Life, 1886-04-15 · page 12 of 16
Life — April 15, 1886 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# "Sickles' Patent Roller Asphalt Yachts" - Life Magazine Satire This page satirizes an absurd invention: an indoor ice-skating rink that simulates sailing yachts using mechanical bellows to create directional wind. The elaborate diagram and detailed text mock both the impracticality of the concept and the breathless enthusiasm of patent promoters. The humor lies in the ridiculous engineering: donkey engines and goat power running bellows at cardinal points, ash barrels representing ice hummocks, trap doors for "realistic" boat disappearances, and a locomotive racing track. The "Spinal-Column Coaster" alternative—essentially a sailor outfit on roller skates—lampoons the entire scheme's absurdity. The page also includes two unrelated short comedic sketches: a dialect-heavy restaurant exchange where a waiter assumes a customer ate missing cheese, and a romantic quip about someone being sheepish rather than bearish. This mixed format was typical of *Life* magazine's satirical approach.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
4 Rowver ASPHALT YACHTS. ESB SICKLES’ PATENT SO Nese Zh SICK EN RSs 3 SES PSE GENERAL VIEW OF THE RINK, so far as to state that it will easily make ¢wo miles in a minute | (over an hour). But how will this sailing craft get its nor’ easter inside a building ? Very simple problem, that. Huge bellows will be erected at the four ends of the rink. The one at the north, run by a donkey engine, will give a N.E. by N. blast, lusty enough to heel the boats over on their lee rollers. The bellows at the west, run by a safety cut-off, come-off, one goat power dummy engine, will give the rink fleet a close-reefed windward run, from the ticket office, at one end, to and around the German band buoy at the other. The bellows at the south will waft each craft here and there in the many-angled tack. On souvenir nights all the bellows can be set in motion, thus allowing a seriesgof evolutions that will give even the deadheads their money's worth. On such nights the howling wind (specially cooled and scented) will blow S. by N.W.E., and each yacht will require a second pilot to “man the hellum,” in case the first has a stroke of paralysis. Ash barrels will be placed on the course, at intervals, to represent ice hummocks ; and over these the impetuous boats will bound, 4 /a Hudson river. Occasionally a boat will dis- appear through a trap door, thus giving the realistic effect of broken ice, and a plunge. Another feature will be the (stage) train of cars, running along the margin of the asphalt. This will allow those ex- citing races with locomotives, of which we have read. The schedule of prices for a ride in the yacht will be some- thing like this: Nor’easter, with imitation hummocks. Sou'easter, with two-minute tacks..... u Souvenir nights, with winds a /a Signal Office, 50 Matinee calms.......0..04 mvNst arate Locomotive races (with our ** Cohoes Limited Finally, those who want to go it alone will be accommo- | dated with an adaptation from the Norwegian, to be known | in our American rinks as the | of but one man. Spinal-Column Coaster. The skipper of this craft steers by the slack in his suspenders, as will be observed in the picture, where the gentleman is trying to weather a post dead ahead. (If the wind will not permit a clearance he can take an anchor from his vest pocket and, by casting it, effectu- ally check his mad career.) The Spinal-Column Coaster is the cheapest craft known, both as regards cost and running ex- penses. The rigging consists simply of a sail, a high hat and a swallow-tail coat; the hull, two shoes, and a pair of roller-skates. The crew consists Wallace Peck. THE ONLY EXPLANATION. USTOMER (in restaurant): I ordered some cheese, waiter, Waiter: Yes, sah. I done brought it, sah. Customer: Well, where is it, then ? Waiter : Did n't yo’ eat it? Customer: Eat it? Certainly not. Waiter: Den I ‘spects it must a got away, sah. IFFIDENT LOVER: I know that I am a perfect bear in my manner. SHE: Sheep, you mean; bears hug people —you do nothing but bleat. comicbooks.com