Life — January 28, 1886 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THIS THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN HE paving of the domicile of Satan has begun, And all our resolutions we do resolutely shun ; For ‘tis just the same from year to year we swear “on” just anent The second lap of swearing off by Christians terméd Lent. . . . N insurance journal says: “The New York Life is negotiating for permission to do busi- ness in the Empire of Russia, If it succeeds, it will be the first foreign company that has obtained such concessions. The Russian Government demand that as a condition precedent, a deposit of five hundred thousand roubles (about $335,000) shall be made.” Thanks, esteemed contemporary. We had forgotten just what that $335,000 check we drew last week was for, but now it is as clear as daylight. It must have been the roubles that mixed us up. . * . CONOMY may be wealth, but it’s a mighty weak security. . . . ~HERE was organized in Connecticut at the beginning of this century a Society for Protection Against Horse Thieves. ‘This is still in existence, and so flourishing that it has declared a dividend of 200 per cent., payable February 1st. We presume this dividend was paid out of the horses that were not stolen—or was it from animals the society itself | managed to absorb by its corporate efforts ? T has just leaked out through Senator} Fassett that Sterling is to be appointed Port Warden and confirmed by the aid of Republican votes. Senator F.'s colleagues are indignant at this bit of leakage, but what could they expect of a Fassett ? . . . OB INGERSOLL says that the Republican party needs a new conscience, Mr. Ingersoll is a good authority on worn out consciences, but should couple his remark with information on two points, first where to get new ones, and, second, if there is no hell, | why the Republican party need worry in this particular. . . . I N these days of Hydrophobism the marine title, loss of a Bark and ten men, is unusually suggestive. Apropos of a title in our last issue, a correspondent sug- gests that “ The Reign of Terr(i)or would have been more suitable.” . . . CAVE CANEM, OW the purplet on the streetlet Gives a shiver When the catcher grabs his feetlet, And don't give a Continental for his bitelet Nor his snarling, growling spitelet, As he shoves him out of sightlet In the river, J. K. Bangs. . THE TERRORS OF MATRIMONY. ANOTHER terror has been added to marriage by the publication of a volume, said to have been received | kindly by Princess Beatrice, entitled “ How to, be Happy, though Married.” (Scribner’s.) The “Gfaduate in the University of Matrimony” who is responsible for this book expresses the kindliest sentiments toward those contemplating marriage, and pretends to encourage them. This is a hollow sham. He is evidently a wily old blue- bottle fly who has been entangled in the web and wants company in his misery. Any clear-headed bachelor of average intelligence, on reading here the multitudinous precautions that are neces- sary to secure married happiness, will unhesitatingly choose single misery to such arduous wedded bliss. His answer to the conundrum “ How to be Happy, though | | “find a girl who can make her higher education compatible Married” will be “Get a Divorce.” | “ Demonstrative affection and self-sacrifice.” At the very threshold of the subject, the neophyte is presented with this formula for conjugal felicity :- A man must not only love his wife dearly, but must tell her so “very often.” This he must do with the full consciousness that every such avowal will add a ten-dollar bill to the cost of her next frock. Conjugal felicity after this formula comes high. The other little element in the recipe, “self-sacrifice,” means that each should be willing to yield “ constantly ” to the other. Of all the inviting prospects in matrimony ever offered to comfortable bachelors this is certainly the most alluring! The amount of happiness to be gained by constantly yielding your opinions to a woman's whim must be tremen- dous, Reducing our author's formula to algebraic terms, it reads: Conjugal Felicity=Gush + Mush, * . . PAMIONG the many directions for the choice of a wife.the susceptible and designing bachelor*is admonished to comicbooks.com