Life — December 10, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

VOL. VI. DECEMBER torn, 1885. NO. 154. 1155 Broapway, New York. Published every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, 10 cents, Back numbers can be had by applying to this office. Vol. I., 50 cents per number ; Vol. II., 25 cents per number; Vols. I1I., IV. and V. at regular rates, Rejected contributions will be destroyed unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. HE joys of Christmas are upon us. We move sadly from one store to another, with weary legs and aching back, bent upon the purchase of gifts for our friends, And the gifts ! Anon they hit the mark, but seven anons out of ten it is money thrown away. Those articles which stand any chance of gratifying the taste of an educated and prosperous friend are so grotesquely dear and so far beyond the reach of the broken-spirited purchaser, that his legs grow weaker and his back softer as the fatal day approaches, But we wish you a merry Christmas all the same. . . . I the death of Francis N. Bangs, New York has lost not only one of its ablest and most prominent lawyers, but a citizen whose honesty of purpose was never questioned, There are not many men who attain the eminence he occupied in his profession, and he held it with a brilliancy and force which left him but few rivals. . . . HE following problem has been given to the Senior Class in Mathematics at Oxford: “If a bishop gets a salary of $75,000 from the Established Church, how long will it take to make him a champion of Disestablish- ment?” Students are told to take their time in working this out. * . * A SOTHER great hindrance to marriage (we spoke of one the other day) is your wife’s relations; that is, they would be if she ever became your wife. If it were required of us to devise a scheme that should best correct the multiplication of bachelors, we should have every spinster above the age of twenty-three judicially declared an orphan by the General Term. For there is abundant inducement for even the most fastidious man to marry a lovely woman; but the prospect of assimilating a whole new family brings terror to the bravest soul. Any man who is not lacking in natural affection can get along with his own relations. They came to him as inde- pendently of his volition as life itself. They were dealt to him, so to speak; and he regards them as his natural hand, and is interested to play them for what they are worth, taking to himself neither credit nor shame for their being there. But if he resolves to discard and draw fresh ones, he cannot after that ascribe’ his lot exclusively to fortune. He has made a voluntary choice, and his responsibility is pro- portionately increased. The most formidable wife's relatives are not the disreput- able ones. The young lady's uncle who lives in Canada will never annoy you. With that indictment hanging over him he dare not come home. Her second cousin, who is at Sing- Sing, is all right, too. He will scarcely outlive his term. And so of her elder brother who drinks to such excess, it is only a matter of a few years with him now. You will be glad to be kind to him as long as he is docile, and when he is refractory the remedy is easy to apply. And all those cousins who are poor but honest, and live in Illinois and other uttermost parts of the West, there is no trouble about them. They have to stay at home and work, and when they do come your way they shall be as welcome as if they were your own, and the fatted calf shall be killed for them. Where the shoe is going to pinch is in another place. That dear married sister who lives across the street will keep on living there. She will become a part of your daily life, and it behooves you to take care that she is a nice person. If you will get married it is a great gain to have all your bride's relations down on you at first. Elope with her, if possible, but at least nurse the preliminary opposition of her family as though it were a thousand-dollar orchid. If they all execrate you, it will not be necessary for you to love them in bulk at the start, and as time goes on and they appreciate what a jewel the dear girl has caught, you can use the nicest discretion about being reconciled, letting in individuals and keeping others out. 7 Some suitors court the young woman’s relatives first, but in such cases another man almost invariably gets the girl. For courtship is strictly a retail business, and no girl who respects herself, or has due sense of propriety, will consent to go as part or parcel of any job lot. In truth, observation and reflection only make it more obvious that to woo any maiden who has near relations is a complicated experiment, as well as one of doubtful profit. Young man, begin with orphans; go slow at first and learn as you go along. In time, if you are fearless and determined, you may win one of a flock, with a full line of parents and a brace of grandmothers. comicbooks.com