Life — September 3, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Following Jonah came an absurd masked figure in a striped gown beating a bass drum, and then a troop, arrayed in the dress goods I had sold in good faith and full measure, all caricaturing the styles our little society had set for the summer. When Lucretia’s eyes rested upon the in- sulting travesty upon myself seated upon Jonah’s back she gave a loud shriek and swooned away. As I caught her in my arms I saw Jonah start back, come in con- tact with the drum, and then followed such a tattoo as only a mule could beat. It took a dozen men to untangle the mule, the drum, and the drummer. At this juncture, and while the lovely Lu- cretia was coming to, Uncle Obadiah arrived with the sheriff, whom he had called to assist in recovering his mule. At sight of this officer the masqueraders scattered in every direction, leaving the drummer to his fate. The sheriff grasped him by the collar, raised his mask, and disclosed the woebe- gone features of Abraham Jolly. Uncle Obadiah was satisfied to recover Jonah, and tucking the head of cabbage under his arm rode off contented. Thus again confusion seized our enemies. Yours for culture, Algernon McGump. THE DISCOMFITURE OF ABRAHAM. FABLES FOR THE TIMES. THE PROVIDENT MULE. MULE having received a nice present, hid it carefully away in a hollow tree. “Why did you hide your present?” asked one of the animals, “ Because I intend to keep it for my children.” “ But suppose you should have no children ?” “Then it will do just as well for my grandchildren,” re- plied the Mule, with a poetic expression of parental tender- ness. MorAL: This Fable teaches that a man’s foresight may be so far-reaching as to sag in the middle and get blunt at the business end. THE PRIZE POEM. Ae old Goat that was editing a standard magazine an- nounced that he would give an elegant and costly prize to the animal that would contribute the best poem in time for the richly illustrated Christmas number. The printed announce- ment stated that none of the poems would be returned ; that all the competitors would assemble on a certain day, the decision would be announced, the prize awarded, and the company entertained with a “ Belshazzar Feast.” This offer started so many poetical animals to work that there was TR is a depressing season for actors, but worse for the | theatre goer. a boom in the local foolscap market. At the proper time the contributors all assembled, the decision was announced in favor of the Opossum, who declared it the proudest moment of his life; and the prize, which was a portrait of the Goat neatly executed on a barrel-stave with soft mud, was pre- sented by the editor after a short but eloquent address. The assembled company then repaired to the dining-room and partook of the “ Belshazzar Feast,” which consisted of a hat- ful of peanut hulls and a jug of fresh water. After careful figuring the Goat discovered that, by a very slight expendi- ture of money, he had accumulated enough MSS. to chew on for six months.” MoRAL: This Fable has remote reference to the mys- terious affinity subsisting between the country editor and the prize watermelon. T is quite necessary for a speaker who stumps for the machine to bore his audience before riveting their at- tention. HIST-PLAYERS are likely to wipe out the old score with a rubber. comicbooks.com