Life — August 20, 1885 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

108 A POOR YOUNG MAN TO HIS GIRL. AgvEL rare are you, dear Anne, But can you use a frying pan ? Or get a meal for a hungry man? O, I will wed you if you can, Sweet Anne! Your dainty fingers wield a fan, But can they wash a pot or pan ? Sweep, bake and brew ? O, if they can 1 am, in truth, the very man, Sweet Anne! You work in Kensington, fair Anne, Play, sing and dance, but if you can Well mend my pants, none other than Myself can worship like this man, Sweet Anne! THE PIC-NIC AT BIG SPRING. (Account taken from the Jeffersonian Commonwealth, published at Big Spring.) 73 HE whole affair was a magnificent success. Our beautiful suburb wore its holiday attire, and the soft eyes of the fair demoiselles vied with the cerulean azure of the deep blue sky. Only a few trifling accidents marred the harmonious symmetry and opulent richness of the memorable occasion. The exquisite Mr. Alpheus Armitage, who has just made his dédué in society, unfortunately broke his leg while dancing a polka with Miss Peggy Tomlinson. Mr. Armitage weighs 110 pounds with a brick in his pocket, while Miss Peggy weighs 200 in her bathing suit. Mr. Tom Atkins, the dude, stepped in some blackberry jam, slipped down and sprained his neck. He was afterwards bitten by a black ant, and soon fainted from loss of blood. Billy Wat- kins unluckily sat down on Miss Perkins's pet cat, and was so shocked and mortified that he has been standing up ever since. Mr. Alfonso Sebastien, the local poet, took off his coat to get cool, but the valetudinarian state of his trousers compelled him to replace it with undignified haste. Tom Allen got one leg into a cray-fish hole and then fell over into a saucer of raspberries. When he got up his white pants looked like the celebrated campaign bloody shirt. Johnny Talbot had saturated his hair and whiskers with kerosene oil to keep off mosquitoes. He was not molested by insects, but found it very difficult to se- cure partners for the dance. Pete Wilson, who is quite deaf and very sensitive about it, attended. When Pete does n't hear what is said in conversation, he will guess at it rather than ask one to repeat it. At the picnic Mrs. Perkins told him about her sister's death, when Pete, failing to catch her meaning and making a wrong guess, fell on the ground in a paroxysm of merriment, and laughed till he was ex- hausted. There was an abounding flow of good humor and lemonade, and everything passed off splendidly.” 7. A. M. -LIFE-: MR, JAMES'S METHOD. Mrs. Julia Ward Howe, in a lecture before the Concord School of Philosophy, said of Henry James's method, that it is minute and mean and does immense damage to character.—¥. ¥. Commercial. PROPOS of the above the Rochester Unéon remarks : Mr. James's method may be minute and mean, but it is hard to see how it damages character. The persons that figure in his books are fictitious, and of course it is not of vital consequence whether their characters receive detriment at his hands or not. As for Mr. James's readers, it must be recognized that the process of getting through any of his later novels necessitates the possession of patient, plodding endurance and self-control, qualities, the exercise of which ought rather to elevate than debase the moral tone. The conclusion is inevitable that either the accomplished Boston lady has not read Mr. James's recent works, or that she is indulging the Concord philosophers in what is known to the vulgar as “ guff.” FABLES FOR THE TIMES. THE COCK AND THE HAWK. YOUNG Cock who had won his spurs by reckless bravery in defense of his weaker companions, was much annoyed by a Hawk who came each day to a field near by, and calling him an “old rooster,” offered to fight. At last he jumped the fence and rushed at his impudent foe, while his family hurried up, to “see Pop knock the stuffin’ out of that Hawk.” The latter waited until “ Pop” was within a few feet, when he sprang over his head, and pouncing on his helpless chil- dren, flew off, with a yell of derision and a Spring chicken, MORAL: A wasp in the garret is worth two in the trouser leg. THE FARMER AND HIS SONS. FARMER, desiring to teach his Sons a certain truth, led them into the woods, and having cut a large num- ber of switches, he tied them together and belabored the Sons over the shoulders with the bundle, but did not inflict much pain. But when he untied the bundle and used one switch at a time on the boys, he made them dance and yelp with pain. MorAL: This Fable teaches that separation is often a source of power and energy; that nations should avoid en- tangling alliances; that one man can thread a needle better than a dozen; and that an elephant would not be likely to succeed in running a soda fountain. OUR SEA SERPENT. E are happy in being able to set at rest forever all doubts concerning the existence of this monster. Other navigators have taken more or less pride in their serpentine discoveries, and we modestly believe the above reptile will not be at the bottom of the list. P.S—The occupants of the boat were President Cleve- land, Queen Victoria, J. L. Sullivan and the Editor of LFE. comicbooks.com