Life — July 9, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: THE EXTRAVAGANCE OF WOMEN. HE story is now told of a middle-aged man who has saved enough money since 1865, by abstaining from cigars, to buy a farm in Connecticut. To be sure the extent and nature of his secret plottings against his own self-deter- mination are not accurately known; but his resolution did not end in smoke. Although he lost many a puff from a fra- grant cigar he gained a prodigious puff in the newspapers. But the cost of Havanas is a trifle compared with the price of bonnets. We have yet to hear of a woman stinting herself on bonnets. While men are failing every day from their efforts to support a family, women are piling up bandboxes with reckless prodigality, as if gold fell in showers from Heaven, as in the days of the Princess Danae. Roller-skating rinks are abandoned, old china is left to dust and spiders, and flower beds are becoming choked with weeds, while women rush to the milliner’s and meet in conclave to discuss the latest novelty in bonnets. Of course, the price is never con- sidered at all, unless it is so fabulously high as to suggest the politic and laconic phrase, “ How cheap!" after the bonnet is brought home, and while the husband is scanning the bill through his eye-glasses. As the following facts show, women must allow that their extravagance is bringing the country to the verge of ruin. The average length of a bonnet string is twenty-two inches. 19 Using these figures as a basis for computation, the total length of bonnet strings tied under the dimpled chins of the fair sex in the United States is not less than 5,000 miles. The statistician will find no loophole for escape from this conclusion. The ribbon alone, if sold, would pay for the conversion of at least 10,000 pagans from Voodooism. Be- sides this, vast quantities of flowers and plumes are used, simply beyond calculation. Birds are wantonly shot to decorate the crazy and chaotic designs of the milliner, while men eminent for piety are everywhere committing forgery and stealing funds held in trust in order to keep their wives in bonnets. The only pretext for women buying bonnets is the hollow delusion that by wearing them to church they may fascinate the minister and excite the envy of the pews. But by deny- ing themselves the luxury it is possible for them to pay their husband's club dues and poker debts, and evoke a loud blast from the trumpet of fame, awakening many a reverbrating echo. HV. S. DEUCED IRISH, YOU KNOW. W* ‘VE all become martyrs to servants, 't is plain ; For to kick against fate we have found is in vain. You ask why we meekly submit to it so? With sadness we answer, O ‘tis Irish, you know, Yes Irish, quite Irish, you know. INTERCEPTED LETTERS. No. I. My Dear Mrs. Creosote Dudley: SEE by the papers that you are anxious to obtain a trial, and that you are now looking at one. If you are not satisfied with the one you get, allow me, my dear madame, to place at your disposal my own unequalled assortment, which I really do not care to re- tain. Iam yours, very truly, FERDINAND WARD. IL. Ausury, N. Y,, July tst. My Dear Eno: Failed to connect, for, in the words of that good old song by Dr. Watts, “Lam the lad with the Auburn'atr,” and I cannot see my way through. Submit your proposition to Ward. He's still open to conviction. Yours for ten years, J.D.F. Ul. ESSENTIALLY EXECUTIVE MANSION, WasuincToy, D. C,, July 4, 1885. J My Dear Manning : If it is true that Burchard will not give up the Mint, cross Julep off the White House wine list. It’s an offensively partisan drink. G. CLEVELAND. Papa: ETHEL, Ethel; WELL, BUT PAPA, WHAT SHALL 1 SAY WHEN I MEAN I WON'T? YOU MUST N’T SAY “I WON'T" TO PAPA. IT'S NAUGHTY comicbooks.com