Life — February 12, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CONTEMPORARY gets righteously indignant be- cause an innocent man has been imprisoned some- where. We see no cause for indignation! If all thieves go free, as they assuredly do in these days, going to jail must be an honorable distinction which the average man should covet. . . . ASSELL’S Family Magazine some time ago under- took to discuss “ American Girls as Dressers.” Our incoherent friend Webster intimates that a “ Dresser" isa piece of Kitchen Furniture, and yet the article failed to touch upon the subject of granite pies, canton flannel cakes, or the various strata of the average amateur custard. . . . «6 [T'S too bad,” said Mrs. Spriggins, “ that this legisla- tion has broke out again. They don’t seem to be able to check it and it’s a wonder to me that vacillation don’t seem to have no effect. I see they ‘ve appointed some commituses up in Albany to see what can be done ‘bout it 'n I do hope it won't spread, though the doctor says the iris has taken hold of my arm so’s that I need n't have no alarm.” . * . ERE comes our iconoclastic friend, the 7rzbune, again with a blow at drinking in Washington. Are none of our great institutions to be spared ? . - ‘ R. GLADSTONE in a letter to Mr. I. Me. Myself Smalley, of the 7rbune, says that if he saw among the pedestals supplied by history for public characters of ex- traordinary nobility, one higher than all the rest, he would name Washington as the fittest occupant thereof. This is a charming tribute from one of the greatest figures in history to another, but we have a strong suspicion that Mr. I. Me. Myself Smalley has been bragging about the height of the extraordinary looking object which commemorates the being of the Father of His Country, and which, taken as a whole, is altogether the biggest and ugliest pedestal history has yet supplied. . . HERE is some talk now of nominating Mr. Morton for Governor. In case the celebrated Diplomatist fails in this as in the senatorial contest, there are still nominations for Mayor, Alderman, and Police Commissioner to be made in the future, with the lucrative position as Keeper of the Morgue to fall back upon eventually. * . ‘ ROSSA’S WOUNDS ARE NOT FATAL. WHY NOT? | Be were funny if he would be, And Perkins would be if he could be, And Marcus Twainus ever should be ;. Why, then, by all the stars above us, And all the powers on earth that love us !— Why isn’t there a joke or two Every few centuries—that 's new ? POCKET BIOGRAPHIES. BENJAMIN F, BUTLER. Born in New Hampshire in 1818. R. BUTLER is a statesman—so his friends say. He is known as Honest Old Ben—to his friends. Some people call him “Spoons.” He was once nicknamed Big Bethel Fort Fisher Butler—but his friends prefer to forget this episode. General Grant said he was “bottled "—but some of Grant's friends were fond of the bottle, He went to New Orleans, and Mr. James Parton wrote a book about his doings there—but Mr. Parton once published a “ History of Caricature,” and his friends say all his other books are but the caricature of history. He once called himself a Widow, and tried to pass off the Rag Baby as the Dollar of the Dad- dies—and his friends said it was a lovely babe, and looked like its Pa (yet it was then far below par). Just now Mr. Butler is Nobody’s Darling. ‘1 cares for nobody, no, not I, and nobody cares for me "—but he is still in the hands of his friends. For the Rep. party he does not give a Dem., and for the Dem. party he does not care a Rep.—but he has friends in both parties. OSCAR WILDE. Born in in 18——? R. O'WILDE was born in Ireland. He removed to England and wrote a prize poem and became famous for his hair and cheek. He came to America and lectured on store-clothes and high-art. He returned to England and cut his hair. Then he got married where he | still lives. He was sent into the world to fulfil a special mission—to prove the truth of Mark Twain's dictum, that “there is a great difference between a fool and ad——d fool.” Mr. O'Wilde is not a fool. GEORGE B. McCLELLAN, _ Born in Pennsylvania in 1826. EN. MCCLELLAN answers to the name of Little Mac, alias the Young Napoleon. He organized the Army of the Potomac, and made a raw mob into a trained army. The army believed in him, but he did not believe in the army. He hoped fora crown of laurel, but he,received only a wreath of the Virginia creeper. He has since served as Perpetual Candidate for anything and everything in gift of the Demo- cratic Party, from President of the United States to Governor of New Jersey. He has so much mind that it takes him a long while to make it up. If Cleveland offers him a place on March 4th, 1885, he may determine to accept it some time before March 4th, 1889. comicbooks.com