Life — December 25, 1884 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

DEC, 25TH, 1884. VOL, IV. 1155 Broapway, New York. Published every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, 10 cents. Back numbers can be had by applying to this office. Vol. I., 50 cents per copy ; Vols. II. and IIT. at regular rates. Rejected contributions will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope. HEY have a new scheme down South which bids fair to do away with Matrimonial Agencies. The young la- dies and gentlemen of a certain South Carolina town have formed a society for the furtherance of the matrimonial wishes of its members without the attendant embarassments peculiar to the ceremony of “ popping the question.” The President of the Club, who is sworn to eternal secrecy, receives communications from the various members, contain- ing the preferences of each, and where the preferences are re- ciprocal, a match is arranged, the President notifying the lady and gentleman directly interested. When there is no re- ciprocity, a dead calm, so to speak, comes over the Society, and the young ladies return weepingly to their homes while the youths fondle their six-shooters or look upon the wine when it is red. The Society is at present in a turmoil, for a certain Miss Jaiques filled out a printed blank to the effect that she considered George Braun about her idea of what a man should be, while Mr. Braun confidentially informed the President that he rather leaned toward Matilda Perkins, and particularly de- spised Miss Jaiques. Now, itso happened that the President himself had a vague idea that Matilda Perkins was the sweet- est thing on earth, and seeing to his chagrin from a paper be- fore him that Matilda reciprocated George's affection, was mad with jealousy. Impelled by this feeling, he announced before the club that a match had been arranged between | Miss Jaiques and Mr. Braun. Miss Jaiques, of course, was delighted ; Miss Perkins was piqued, and Mr. Braun was dum- founded. Mr. Braun kicked up a rumpus, and demanded an official | count, and worked on Miss Jaiques’ feelings to such an ex- tent that she threatened him with a breach of promise suit, while Miss Perkins in her spirit of pique, eloped with the | President who has resigned from the town with a barrel o tar and the contents of a feather bed concealed on his person. Mr. Braun and Miss Jaiques are fighting it out in the courts with chances largely in favor of the young lady, while the President and his wife are spending their honey-moon gathering goose quills. In the meantime, the Matrimonial Society is in a very bad way, and the only way they can arrange matters, such is their mutual confidence, is by going into a committee of the whole and drawing names from a hat with results which so far seem to be eminently satisfactory, as far as the old maids are con- cerned, but which carry consternation into the hearts of the younger generation. . . . “cc HEN Mr. Irving and Miss Terry return,” said Mrs. Spriggins, “I'm going to take in the whole of their repartee.” . . . HE Pall Mall Gazette discusses Political Reformers in Hungary. This is the home of the party so aptly described by Mr. George William Curtis as being very thirsty and very Hun- gary. . . . OW that the doctors are using frog-skin to graft over granulating wounds on account of the scarcity of human skin, we presume the makers of flag-staffs, masts and such articles will find some use for the tad-pole. . * * E are glad to see that the subject of lower tolls on the Brooklyn Bridge is being agitated. One cent is too much to require of a man who wants to walk across. In our humble opinion he should be paid not less than half a dollar, and be given a life insurance policy as protection against the Bridge Police. The next thing to be discussed is lower tolls in our church steeples on Sunday mornings. We are invariably awakened by their obnoxious peals Sun- day after Sunday, and although constant readers of the Tribune supplement, cannot get rest enough to recoup the nerve tissue—a tissue peculiar to “ literary fellers.” The tolls must go! * * . HE rumor that Governor Cleveland has decided to ap- point LiFe the journal of the Administration is without foundation, in fact. If, however, the Governor has it in his mind to do so, LIFE is, of course, willing, provided only that the President-elect plank down the five necessary inducements. We are forced to demand this because of Mr. Cleveland's avowed determination not to accept presents of value. comicbooks.com