Life — December 11, 1884 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: Washington, Thomas Jefferson and the two Adamses. Nor were they all, for in various parts of the room were scattered successive Presidents, from Andrew Jackson to the present incumbent. All ghosts! To be sure, Arthur and Grant were exceedingly healthy-looking ghosts, and little Hayes was a little too savory of earth to make one believe him one, but then he never had much spirit, anyhow. Geo. Washington looked well in his wig and queue, walk- ing arm-in-arm with President Arthur, and not one of the ghosts present seemed averse to walking so with our present ruler. Millard Fillmore felt rather bashful when his turn came, for his coat was by no means of so good a make or fit as Mr. Arthur's; not so Andrew Jackson, who grabbed the President by the arm, and assured him that in spite of his «—— blasted dudishness, he was a blinketty-blank good fellow for the position.” Andrew Johnston seemed put out that Mr. Arthur had not followed in his footsteps and made Rome howl, but gave it as his opionion—a tailor’s, too—that if he 'd cut his clothes, Arthur could n't have been better dressed. Mr. Hayes was about to make a remark when a terribly healthy voice for a ghostess caused him to sit down on him- self, and he shortly after disappeared entirely. Happening to look out of the window, I noticed many more well known faces peering in, among whom were Henry Clay, Fremont, Douglass, Seymour, Greeley, Tilden and another of more recent date, who kept sticking his head in at the door and yelling : “°T was the rain kept me away. Sorry, but 't was.”” Just then Mr. Lincoln, who was always a wag, remarked that he knew it was an R. of some sort, but that he thought there were three of them to knock that ghost out. At this there was a laugh, and Blaine, for the outside ghost was he, subsided fora minute, and then stuck his head in and began to sing: “ My name is Jacobus G. Blaine, I come from the back——" “ What ?” said Washington, see him. He could!” “Could ?” said the assembled crowd. “He was a bigger man than his country’s Pop,” said George. ‘J could not tell a lie!” “Well, I can,” said Hayes—* when I see one!" “Very good joke, that,” said Jefferson. “ Ever hear it before ?” asked Madison. “Once,” replied Jefferson. “ When ?” said Hayes, looking pleased, for they were be- ginning to notice him. “ The day before the Declaration of Independence was put through,” said Jefferson, with a caustic grin. Hayes retired once more. Going to the window, I saw poor Horace Greeley's philan- thropic face looking wistfully in. He smiled when he saw me, and leading over Mr. Tilden’s apparition, said, in a loud whisper : . “I know what beat me. “Is that James? Let me ‘T wasn't no three R's, nor no 339 local issue tarriff, nor a three to one Commission, an’ the man that says it was is a liar ‘na villain,—but you know the old gag. Whitelaw Reid supported me, and that was what knocked old Horace out, you bet. G. Washington told me so, and he never lied yet that 1 know on. He said he was glad thar wasn't no 77rzboon in his time, or he'd a-had to break his record as a emblem of truth to git the paper's support.” “ Whatcher talkin’ about, Horace ?” said Tilden. Doncher know any better ‘n to talk that way about your paper? It told more truth in '76'n you could put in G. Washington's life-time. It said 1 was elected the day after election. Told the truth once, anyhow. 3 “Yes,” replied Horace, “ but it took that back.” “True! true!" said the Spirit of '76. “It lacks sticking power almost as thoroughly as the new postage-stamps.”” And while the outsiders were quarreling over the causes of their defeat, | withdrew from the window, and slipped unob- servedly away as day dawned and their great ghostships folded themselves up in camphor to keep away the moths until next Christmas. A CLUB MAN—Captain Williams. A CURE FOR INSOMNIA. 6¢ T WANT a bedroom here,” said a very nervous man to a Coney Island landlady. The man shook himself into a chair in the hotel parlor, dropped his valise and observed, “I have not slept since my birth.” “Then, why do you want a bedroom ?” “Tam a vicitim of insomnia. Seven of my nurses lie in Evergreen. At school I studied Sanscrit and Anatomy. Dead roots and dry bones brought me no repose, Later I loved a girl devotedly. Her father descended one night at eleven and jeeringly said, ‘ Young man, you can’t sleep here.’ He derided my misfortune and I could not marry into his family.” “ Have you ever tried "— “I have tried everything. 1 have scored at a three days’ cricket match. I have played chess by cable and whist with ladies who did not know the queen of spades from the deuce of diamonds. I have watched an amateur in Hamlet. He made me so weary, but I could not sleep.” “Do you take anything?” “T take the New York 7rsbune and the /ndependent.” “ Your active work may—" “have been janitor ina Butler headquarters. 1 drove the steam cooling fans in a café ; through one December I ranan Essex Street mission for the conversion of the Jews. I comicbooks.com