Life — November 20, 1884 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

VOL. IV. NOV. 20TH, 1884. 1155 Broapway, New York. Published every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, 10 cents. Baek numbers can be had by applying to this office.’ Vol. I., 50 cents per copy ; Vols. IT. and IIT, at regular rates. Rejected contributions will not be returned unless accompanied | by a stamped and directed envelope. M R. THOMAS STEWART, a gentleman of leisure and Georgia, has just rendered himself famous by dying. It was supposed by, the relatives and friends of the family, who by the way have been respectfully invited to view the remains at his late residence in Augusta, that Mr. Stewart possessed a charmed life owing to his many and :marvellous escapes from death. It seems that while Thomas was very much of a boy he was seized with an unholy desire to feed cattle in a swamp at Alapaha, the cat-tails and stagnation of which were supposed to impart a lucrative if not nutritive quality to the milk which ‘Thomas's father was wont to dispense to the upper ten of Augusta and suburban townlets. On a certain occasion while Thomas was endeavoring to give the native frogs of the swamp an impressive imitation of a Spanish bull-fight with a small-sized heifer and a thor- roughbred cream-cow, the aspect of the entertainment was changed by the untimely appearance of a beautiful but too numerous tiger on the scene, which immediately proceeded to enjoy itself at Thomas's expense by placing him gently but firmly flat on his back, and lacerating his feelings to such an extent that he proceeded to recite his last words. Fortunately he had chosen the immortal lines of Casabi- anca, and no sooner had the tiger heard the opening words than he incontinently fled, and has not been seen in the vicinity to this day. Thomas hastily arranged his somewhat mutilated toilet and hurried home, and having informed his friends that the dan- ger was over, they overwhelmed him with offers to go to his assistance, which it is needless to say, he declined with thanks. Some years later while employed as a feeder in a cane mill, Thomas caught his hand between the rollers and had it not been for the fact that he had taken a course of hand shaking | with the various candidates for office in which Georgia at | that time abounded, he would doubtless have lost his hand | and arm. That same afternoon on his way home Thomas came in contact with a streak of lightning which used him rather shabbily, stealing his watch and removing from his person a half of the left leg of a brand new pair of trousers in which it was his intention to make a call that evening. Still later in life having been dropped from the second story window of the mansion of the girl of his heart by her irate father, Thomas still maintained sufficient vitality to elope with the fair object of his affections, and receive in his calf the fangs of a moccasin without losing his equanimity or his bride, for they were married that evening. ‘The wound inflicted by the snake was made null and void by the presence in Thomas's system of a case of Jersey elec- tricity which, by some mischance, the parson had in the house. The snake died. Nor was this all, for Thomas spent three years of his life in Congress and escaped unscathed. His death was a matter of surprise to his friends who were not aware that he was a regular reader of the editorial col- umns of the New York 7rbune. Please omit flowers. * . . N. GORDON is again reported dead. The mortality of Gordon during the past year has been something marvellous, as his official record has been somewhat over eleven deaths. He should at least make it a baker's dozen. T is a pity that such artists as Theodore Thomas and Dr. Damrosch cannot rise above the level of petty quarrels, which do much to lower them in the esteem of the public. ‘That two such concerts as those of the Chorus and the Ora- torio Societies last week should have been given on the same evening, when arrangements might have been made by a lit- ule concession on one side or the other, whereby different dates could have been chosen, bespeaks very little mange- ment or good sense on the part of our great orchestral and choral leaders. Such behavior not only demeans the leaders themselves, but in a measure imposes on the good nature of the music- loving public, many of whom desired to hear both concerts, and were deprived of the opportunity for so doing. . ° . HERE is said to be a crane in Hamburg capable of lift- ing 147 tons. This is probably another bird story started for campaign purposes, comicbooks.com