Life — October 16, 1884 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

- LIFE: round him, crying out as one woman “ Keetcher, keetcher, keetcher!" “Now, who does he look like?” When his. bachelor uncle presents his watch to him to be blown open by his tired lungs, and his father, proud of his offspring, holds him upside down and makes hideous faces at him. Think of the misery of the little being fresh from the angels; in a hot room, under the blankets, left to the tender mercy of a stout month- ly nurse, hardened by contact with a constant succession of such little angels. These trials through, our mannikin is put into short clothes, thesea legacy from his elder brother; he has a resplendent sash, wound around him to be sure, but an insulting bit is tied around his neck, the little angel's neck. Now his serious tortures begin. His eldest brother taunts him with wearing cast-off clothing, and feeds him upon copper | cents ; or mayhap allows him to play with the big Noah's ark, and the artless creature, feeling his way into the realities of the world, sucks the purple paint from the camels, and the red and yellow spots from the tigers and guinea-pigs. His nose is thereupon held by mercfless hands and a nauseous draught administered to him. The why and wherefore of this is never explained to him; an ex parte hearing is held, and on the evidence of the elder brother, the criminal, and | the real testimony of the paint-smears upon the little rose-bud of a mouth, judgment is delivered and executed before any one can say “ Jack Robinson.” A NAUSEOUS DRAUGHT IS ADMINISTERED TO HIM. But it may be said that infants are habitually called “ sun- beams of the household,” or “ wellsprings of joy.” But it is obvious that these metaphors are far beyond his comprehension, while the back-acting pin and the castor-oil are terrible realities ; object lessons which he never forgets. And now he has begun to talk; and thereupon his female relatives above-mentioned, instead of giving him the example of sensible and pure “ English undefiled,” inundate him with a flood of baby talk. He is encouraged to bring himself into 217 ridicule by calling a horse a “ go-go,” his father * du-de,” and a locomotive “ chew-chew. ’ Every new-comer asks him to say who she may bi the little chap cared a button, and when the badly. tongue stumbles, the ill-bred grown-up people roar with laughter at the mistake. Can we wonder that the mortality among infants is so great ?—that as soon as they get hold of the use of their hands and lungs, they do their best to express their disgust with the world in which they tind themselves? Of course, they delight in smashing top-hats, pouring ink on the parlor carpet, and drawing rough caricatures of their relatives on the drawing-room paper. These trifling and natural retalia- tions are brutally suppressed with the stern applications of the slipper. They become fractious and surly. The star-eyed angelkins grow into rude little boys, before whom new social tortures loom ; all the dread terrors of school; of soap and water, and church-going. MRS. SPRIGGINS WAXETH FACETIOUS. “ AL, I ain't much surprised,” said Mrs. Spriggins, chuckling and laying down her copy of the Cen- tury, “ain't much surprised thatthe Cable's bust! That last chapter o’ his 'n must have been a Sevier strain on his nerviousness. Must have busted him all up to a thousand items !"" A CORSAGE BOUQUET, YRTILLA, to-night, Wears Facgueminot roses. She's the loveliest sight! Myrtilla to night :-— Correspondingly light My pocketbook closes. Myrtilla, to-night, Wears Facgueminot roses. DRUNKARD'S MAXiM—Better tight than lax. LOVE AND LIVERY. WEE little Cupid, the God of Love, a visible object to-day, we would doubtless behold him clad in top boots, brass buttons, a tall hat, and whip in hand. His ar- rows would be changed to lashes, and we would see his sub- jects bound together, not with the conventional bands of roses, but by harder and more substantial harness. Our cartoon presents in a vivid way some impressions which fathers of heiresses and owners of horses would do well to study, and if this clopement epidemic, which has played havoc with so many hearts and homes, be lessened in any respect by our artist’s suggestions, we shall feel that for this week at least LIFE has been worth the living.