Life — October 2, 1884 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

VOL. IV. OCT, 2p, 1884. 1155 Broapway, New York. Published every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, 10 cents. to this office. regular rates. Rejected contributions will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope Back numbers can be had by applying Vol. I, 50 cents per copy ; Vols. II. and HII, at HE present campaign necessity has led to the invention of an Automatic Spotless Candidate, constructed of papier mache, brass, fiddlestrings and glue, and guaranteed by its maker to be free from blemish. This will fill a want long felt by both the Democratic and Republican parties, and will not prevent the Greenback faction from procuring their favorite occupation by remaining out in the cold to howl. It is admitted that there is no real need of much machinery in a President, or that he weigh more than 250 pounds. The Automatic Candidate has a glass plate inserted before and behind for the convenience of the press, is so constructed as to make it impossible for him to write letters, and is abso- lutely free from trace of the objectionable characteristic known. as a Record. Prior to the election he will be stuffed with thirty yards of message, cight of which he will grind out annually, and to his right hand will be affixed a rubber stamp with his name, worked by a toggle joint. When he is wound up this will work up and down with rapidity, and enable him to sign official documents with great regularity and dispatch. His cabinet will be chosen by random selection from a hat, which will give fullyas much satisfaction as the methods hitherto pursued, and their sole duties will be to see that he is wound up every morning and oiled once a month. A mechanical President will be most desirable in times of Congressional disputes, for as the chances are at least even | that the right bill will be signed and the wrong one vetoed, he will give satisfaction in the long run. that both parties are now having one secretly constructed, to be used in case of necessity, and the probabilities are strong | that the next campaign will be entirely run with dummies. . . . T the recent popular upheaval, two hundred Plumed Knights were in the procession. This showed the public exactly what a Plumed Knight is. A tinfoil hat, a spangled shirt, two feathers and a little kerosene, is the recipe. Mix well together, precede by a brass band, and trim with occas- It is understood | ional bursts of enthusiasm from small 7th Avenue boys. In case the supply of human material fall short, there is a large institution on the Hudson which can graduate numbers to suit, each already provided with a Record. . . * HE standard for political excellence furnished by our es- teemed Butler contemporary the Sw, has been adopt- ed by the good people of Orkano, Texas. They have elected the heaviest man in the city Mayor. When he sits on the Board of Aldermen he produces an effect. He weighs 380 pounds, * . . “cc IS, Biddy Muldoon, Moike is roisin’ in circumsthances. Lasht Thursday Moike kem home wid a tin hat and glimmer pants an wint out to shoot of Roman pinwheels fer Jimmy Blaine, an’ the nixt he was a howling fer Cleveland, an thin he goes out and whoops her up fer Butthler, an’ nixt noight he wallops Nick Cleary fer not gittin’ dhrunk wid him fer the glory av St. John. Bechune the four av thim Moike is doin’ glorious, an’ whin the poles are runnin’ Moike will cast four votes in sivin warruds, be the token, at sivin dollars each. The counthry is in danger, Biddy, but for downright, arnest, soul-sarchin’ warrud worruk, give me moi Moike an’ four candidates. * * . NEGRO died recently in Richmond, Va., aged 109, who never had been George Washington's body- servant, and did not remember ever having seen him. The grandson of the prodigy has received flattering offers to lecture. * . . “ PAs hearing anything drop on or about the 4th of November, the current year, will please remember that my address is Augusta, Maine. F.G.B.” + * . R. BLAINE may not have incurred large personal ex- penses in his recent triumphal expedition up the Hud- son, but in the event of his election to the Presidency he may find plenty of channels in which hecan be useful to his friends of the N. Y. Central, and we doubt much if he prove a dead- head in this enterprise. * . * R. DEPEW recently made sixteen speeches all in one day, no two being alike. If Mr. Reidlaw White was not in the way, what a splendid Minister to England we might have under President Blaine’s administration !