Life — September 18, 1884 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* LIFE: LYRICS OF ERIE. L 977 IS twilight, and a dim relig- fous light beglooms the town I love to sit upon the bridge, And let my legs hang down. And while oblivious to pride I swing them to and fro, I love to watch the barges glide In majesty below. How calm, how peaceful is the view ! Deliberately sets ‘The sinking orb, and now the dew The bridge's trusses wets. Hushed is the air afar and near About me quiet rules— But hark ! a driver's voice I hear Admonishing his mules. A shout, a blow, “ Hi there! Go long!” A towpath Jehu this! How very strong That driver's language is! Poor patient beast, that railing boy Steeped to the eyes in sin— A sickening thud! A splash! Oh joy The mules have kicked him in! A MODEL FOR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. IFE offers the following letter of acceptance as a model for all the other Presidential candidates to be nomi- nated before Nov. 4th, and for future use. [ts salient virtue is that it is framed to suit either party : To the honorable Chairman of the Committee on Nomina- tions, and to my constituency—that is to say, the entire na- tion. My bosom is swelled or swollen with not-to-be-dis- guised pride at the lofty honor which has been thrust on my humble self after much weary and at-times-almost-hopeless. wire-pulling and intrigue, and were it not for my shrunken exchequer, I should wonder at the bold choice of your con- vention and question how I came to be selected from among so many other noble, great, and worthy men and _ statesmen. I move forward to the election with a profound sense of the golden opportunities that the Presidency offers to the man who shall be worthy to avail himself of its privileges. lam strongly in favor of such taxation as shall bring the maximum revenue with the minimum appearance of being a burden on the people. 1 am very desirous of seeing the glorious laboring classes, the bone and sinew (not new !) of our country, the great bul- wark of society, the true gentlemen of nature, the nobility in blouses, the honest, thrifty, patient, long-suffering, down- trodden, hardy, worthy, sweaty laboring classes—I am espe- cially anxious to see them at the polls voting for me. As to the giant monopolies of all sorts and kinds, I can only say that they require very delicate treatment, and should by all means be kept within legitimate boundaries. I would at the same time observe that the Executive must respect the laws and obey the behests of the law-makers, and this opens a wide door of opportunity for active corporations. We should maintain peace with all foreign powers, consist- ently with dignity—and in fect anyway. As I should have nothing whatever to do ir the matter I may as well seem modest and insist on the advisability of a single term—pray- ing earnestly for a trial trip. I favor enough money, hard and soft, to suit all parts of the country and all purses, and I will sign any banking or bankers’ laws that may be passed. On the tariff—well, yes, on the tariff! I think what I think, and if any circumstances should make it advisable not to think so, but tothink otherwise than as I think, then I think I should think best to think otherwise. At least this is my present state of mind—but I can stand on a half-inch plank of the platform turned up edgewise and walk it lengthwise even when I had been on a tear—if the nation so desires. Until elected I favor the most sweeping reform. Turn the rascals out. Let no guilty man escape. No life tenure of of- fice beyond demise—no civil or uncivil service changes where not needed. Our water high ways should be appropriated to the fullest extent in the way that will do the most good. All present post-offices should be continued, and an as- sistant post-master appointed in each place, while many new offices should be opened. The mail is the backbone of civ- ilization. (N. B.—First use of this simile in any campaign article.) Brevity being the soul of wit, I naturally find myself at my wit's ends, or, lawyer-like, at the end of my brief for more to say, except that I can promise my constituents more than any other living candidate, and if you see anything you want. ask for it. Ask and ye shall receive, after I have made my election sure. (Mental reservation—perhaps ?) Yours respectfully, + At Newport, while the realistic sham-fight was in progress, it is said our tender-hearted President experienced a good deal of sham-pain (spell it any way you like). WANTED.—A New Crank for a Badly Damaged Reid Or- gan. Apply at 7ryd/arne office. INFERNAL REVENUE (from an official point of view)— Political Assessments. THE nation is passing through an eclipse—N. Y. Sun. A very natural error on the part of the Suz, in mistaking it- self for the nation. THE Age of the Crematory—The minstrel of the future will no longer sing “See that my grave 's kept green,” but “ Sec | that my urn’s in sight.” ~“comicbooks.com