Life — September 4, 1884 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SEPT. 4TH, 1884. 1155 Broapway, New York. Published every Thursday, $5 a year in advance, postage free. Single copies, ro cents. Back numbers can be had by applying to this office.’ Vol. I., 20 cents per copy ; Vols. II, and III, at regular rates. Rejected contributions will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped aad directed envelope. ITTLE Willie Perkins, of Racine, Wisconsin, was left in charge of the house during the absence of the senior members of the family at a camp-meeting last Sunday. Baby cried and Willie administered six doses of cough mixture and half a bottle of castor oil. Baby became quiet and has re- mained so ever since. A can of kerosene and the house cat seemed to Willie to be the next desirable combination, and then a match was lighted and applied to her tail. She made for the barn, and gave four fire companies occupation for the balance of the day. Meantime Willie vanished, together with sixteen of the finest ences in Racine. The moral in this points either to the vicious practice of raising small boys, or to the sinful frequenting of camp-meetings, but until the coro- ner’s and underwriters’ reports are filed, it will be impossible to determine, * * . ““ DEE CHET. : Can't you send up another man-of- ? How the d—I else will I get back to Wash- ington ?”—Ww., E. CHANDLER. . * . Y favorite hymn is, “I Love to Steal a While Away.” | Davy Jones’ locker awaiting resucrect—I mean an appro- Somehow those good old words go straight to my | . . . HE microbe of cholera is said to resemble a comma. Is that why it so soon brings a man to a full stop? . . . AM not a good man, and I don't weigh 250 Ibs., but I am going for gore. Whoop! P. S.—I have just “J received news that I shall have three more votes in Florida ; that makes thirty-one in all, not counting cither my own or Dana’s."—Butler. “c HY should I mourn and mourn?” inquires Miss Ella Wheeler, in a Chicago paper. It may be because you write poetry, Ella. There is a great deal of misery brought into this world by just such recklgss rhyming as yours, and you cannot blame Providence if you sometimes get slapped back. If you sent your verses to this office for example, and expected over fifty cents a pound for the as- sorted article, we might explain why it was perfectly natural for you to mourn and mourn. There was a poet tried it a year ago, and he has n’t quit mourning since. We give it up, Ella. . . . OFFICIAL REPORT. To the Hon., the Secretary of the Navy: Newport, R. I. IR—I have the honor to report that some time about a week ago the U.S. S. Za//apoosa met with an accident off Martha's Vineyard, and sank in about seven fathoms of water, putting out her engine fires, and otherwise damaging her powers of locomotion. The fault lay in the fact that a schooner was heading across our course, and as a jack-pot had just been opened, neither the officer of the deck nor myself observed her lights. The moment the two vessels touched, however, we took observations, and discovered that something was wrong. Ten minutes afterwards she went down, and the majority of the ward room officers concur in the belief that this was due to the fact that she had sprung a leak. Too much blame cannot be attached to the dastardly crew of the schooner that ran into us. The helpless character of our vessels of war, the fragility of their construction, and the dif- ficulties they labor under in navigating even the most peaceful waters are well known to the merchant marine, and should have entitled our vessel to consideration. Ass it is, she lies in priation, But the loss of the vessel is as nothing to that of your per- sonal effects, which you had thoughtfully placed on board with a view to circumventing the unpatriotic and grasping express companies doing business in New England. Two liquor cases, empty, three pairs of trousers and a Panama hat went down with the Za//apoosa, and I fear may be damaged unless | you hurry the appropriation through before next Congress. Very respectfully, Your obedient servant, B. BUTTONS TARPAULIN, Com'd’g. comicbooks.com