Life — August 7, 1884 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GROSS CARELESSNESS. URING the war with the South, there was a certain company of raw recruits marching rapidly to the | front. Their way to the outpost led along a Virginia road which stretched over rolling country that was dotted here and there with clumps of trees. At a turning they saw ahead of them a pine grove which grew about a hundred yards to the left of their path, but they were un- aware that in its midst a squad of Rebel cavalry was lying in ambush. As the | company got abreast of the timber, the guerillas opened a scattering fire on their flank. It was the first time that the re- cruits had heard bullets singing over their heads, and, moreover, they had no idea that the enemy was within five miles | of them, so that they were uncertain how | to regard this demonstration. The squad halted, undetermined what to do; and one big German, after putting his hands to his mouth trumpet-fashion, shouted toward the trees—‘‘ Stob shooding,” and then turned excitedly to the officer in command, exclaiming: ‘ What de tevil dey aboud? Don'd dey know dey ts some beobles here?" CARLSBAD. sO GLaD! THE artist's ball—the earth. A RE-BUSS—the return kiss. meant to use. I addressed him, telling him that I was blind, and that I wished to go home, as it was nearly morning, and I feared lest my neighbors should “ get on” to my sea-side subter- | fuge. “Can't shee? Thash hic fun-hic-y! Why ‘m jush fel’ yer want. I c-hic-an shee double, I kin. You gi’ me legsh 'n I ‘Il gish you one er my-hic-vishuns,” was his reply. I was glad indeed to do so. I would willingly have relieved him of one of his rattlesnakes for a single one of his doubla- tory visions had he required. My new made friend took me to where he supposed I wished to go. However doubly acute his vision was, his per- ception of my desires was weak. He got me into the wrong house which, by a peculiar bit of poetic license, was opened by my own latch-key. I knew it was the wrong house the mo- ment I barked my shins over the hat rack in the hall, for Pris- cillahad pawned ours to buy me fruit. I was about to leave the house, having obtained all the hats | and coats I could conveniently carry when I was arrested, not by a policeman, but by the sound of a most entrancing woman's voice, singing “Sweet Violets.” It was sung as no hand-organ ever played it. Amateurs seldom attempt this Teasing Bud: OH! do YOU LIKE MY FRIEND, MISS INGENUE? DON’T YOU THINK THAT SHE IS VERY comme tl faut? Amtable Gentleman (not to be outdone in polyglot admtration): YES; AND THEN TOO, THERE IS SOMETHING SO very passte ABOUT HER! 7 Wonders after a time whether distinguee was not the word which he TAM song, only hardened professionals, and I concluded that I had fallen among Bohemians. Restoring the hats and coats, I was about to enter the room whence came the sounds, when a terrific shriek told me that murder was rife. Besides I stumbled over the corpse, catching thereby a severe cold. “Ah,” thought I, “the woman has received her just reward.” But I was mistaken. The corpse was a man; I could tell by the size of his foot, and the accent of the woman showed that she was not from Chicago. I, being caught by the per- petrators of the black deed, came near acting in the capacity of victim myself. “Spare me!" I cried aloud. “I am blind, blind, blind !" I said it three times, as there is luck in odd numbers. “Blind, ch?” said a voice with a scar on it at my side. “Well, as Chapter two says, you're drunk or dreaming. | Probably both. Not having a blind, blind, blind, we ‘ll send you home on a plank, plank, plank !” Thus did they mock me, and after pledging me on pain of eternal death to secrecy, they made me drink some vile de- coction. Water, maybe—I never knew. They then left me in a cruelly compromising position in a neighboring gutter, whence I was carried to the hospital and spent the rest of my comicbooks.com