Life — January 10, 1884 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CONSCIENCE. THINK I OUGHT TO GET MARRIED, Miss MABEL ? Miss Mabel (aged Twelve): Ow, YOU’ LOOK .as THOUGH YOU NEEDED SOMEBODY TO TAKE CARE OF | you AND——O GoopneEss, you didn’t THINK I satD | THAT TO LEAD YOU ON, DID you? NOBODY DID IT. AID Garlington, ‘ Lay not to me ‘This latest murder of the sea To blast a soldier’s fame. It ought to be quite plain to you That Captain Pike and thievish crew Are properly to blame.” To which the Captain straight demurs, And hotly answers: ‘ Damn it, sirs! For twenty years and more I've hunted seas for tusk and whale, And never heard of such a tale In all my life before!” And likewise, too, the gallant crew Reproachful spake: ‘‘ Dear, me! Can you Be patient with such stuff ? Indeed, the ship was very old, The ice was thick, the weather cold, ‘And this was quite enough !” The Signal Service Chief declares, As one who knows the force of airs, “T'm very sorry, but I was away, and am content Upon that orphaned supplement To keep my vision shut.” The Captain of the Yantic shows A wish to tread on others’ toes ; But plainly, can’t be His vessel sailed into the dark, Equipped for hunting up the snark Or as the Jumblies did. Then who is left to whom we turn A face and eye that justly burn In presence of this shame ? A sergeant who deserted ! who, Of all the expedition, knew The storage of the ham. But, all the same, the Proteus lies Forever sealed from human eyes, And night of Arctic cold Still keeps the secret of the snow We long to hear, yet fear to know As better left untold. The gist of this—if gist there be— Is, not to send a ship to sea, * Upon an Arctic search, When all the Chiefs are out of town And leave the thing to Smith or Brown ; Or, rather, in the lurch, POPULAR DISEASES, AND HOW TO ACQUIRE THEM. 1, PNEUMONIA, PNEUMONIA is very easily acquired, and need not be sought in the markets—if this now unfashionable promenade is still visited by the fair sex. A select article can be obtained at social entertainments. Wearing one breastpin less than usual and eschewing heavy, unbecoming, granny-like wraps when leaving a . | crowded, heated assemblage generally suffices. Unprepossessing old Bachelor: AND WHY DO YOU | ‘A $500 seal-skin sack (spelled “sacque” when writing ‘‘on space”) should be closed to the neck in church and at the theatre. If it is unbuttoned or taken off and resumed on leaving, it fails in its purpose, and the seeker for this popular disease may be deprived of its expensive, consequently stylish, prestiges. Among these is the pleasure of hiring a two-horse doctor, who is quite | an ornament to the front of a mansion. Abrupt changes of temperature are useful. Though our climate liberally provides them, they are advised, as this is not written for any pent-up Utica or Syracuse, but for the universe, Those few fair ones who divide their attentions between Cicero and the washtub rarely aspire to a fashionable pneumonia, and are apt to call it ** ammonia” or ‘‘rheumonia.” It then becomes quite vulgar. Some singular people acquire pleuro-pneumonia. Literature of to-day shows that cattle make a similar selection. When the error is discovered too late, the humiliating association can be mitigated by calling it ‘‘ p/ural pneumonia.” Sand-paper under-garments are not conducive to pneumonia, consequently are not advised. Having duly acquired the disease, send for the doctor, thus: Write on dark blue paper, with your coat-of-arms and a blunt pencil, ‘deer docTer i hav gott a newmonier on my lung cum rite away i wont tak no nasty medersin,” If he does not respond immediately, send for a physician who is better versed in heraldry. When he arrives, ask him to prescribe for your cat or parrot ; he will be delighted. Broncho-pneumonia is neither a fashionable nor a recommend- able disease, and should be relegated to the droncos (horses) of Mexico. DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSIS.—Pneumonia resembles neither de- lirium tremens nor cholera infantum ; but all can be acquired at | once. MEDICO-LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS.—There are no cases recorded in which the disease was embezzled. History.—The worst spell occurred in 1882, when the Board of Health received a death-certifieate in which it was’ written, “ blewmoonyear.”” If there are any good or bad readers who now do not know how | to acquire a pneumonia, it will be because of their inability to | properly estimate a very popular disease sufficiently to encourage them to read the preceding directions industriously. Should the next of this series be on Corns or Dyspepsia, it will not be illustrated by steel engravings or chromo-lithographs. Frep, C. VALENTINE. comicbooks.com