Life — December 27, 1883 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

330 TRANSLATIONS. (By @ Backelor.) Vir: Man (becoming obsolete). Dupe, his successor (becoming absolute). Vixtue: (obsolete word). ViroGo: a virgin. VIRAGO: a ickled virgin, : I came.» Vint: Vict: she was a vixen. MARRIAGE : an institution for paupers and the insane. BACHELOR: a candidate for the institution of marriage. Otp Main: nobody’s candy, to date. HusBAND: a possession of the d—1 I saw. Wire: (another man’s) an angel. Ditto: (your own) an “ angel unawares.” Pretty Woman: every man's natural affinity. UGLY Woman: pure being,wor- thy every man’s respect. HANDSOME HUSBAND: natural affinity of every woman (but his wife), Hanpsome Actor: schoolgirls’ universal affinity. HAnpsome WIFE, natural affi- nity of unhandsome husband, MARRIED Peopte: fools. Unmarrigp People: digger fools, Matrimony: the fool's para- ise. PaTRiMony: the fool's inherit- ance, HarMiess Foor: writer, MALICcIous, Foot: the general reader. the comic | INTRACTABLE | LIFE TRANSLATIONS. (By @ Spinster.) Vir: man. Hanes: di VERMIN: men. the matrimonial para- Styx: suitors (means of reach- ing above). (H)ALTAR: another means. (The three following were all Greek to her.—Ep.) Love: t, Courtship: Mister. Marriage: mystery. Wire: wretched being, pos- sessed by a d—l. Huspanp: a longing after the unattainable. Srinster: the unattainable (af- ter a longing). WRINKLES: ‘‘ hard lines.” MAnocany: hard wood. MONOGAMY: marriage(unhappy result of being hard wooed). BiGaMy: abused marriage. PotyGamy: diffused marriage. ELOPeMENT : confused mar- riage. x Divorce: Excused marriage. SINGLE, OR t refused marriage. SINGULAR: Divorcep MAN: misused hero that ‘was suck a nice man before that woman—but she drove him to. Divorcep Woman : outcast(e) not to be mentioned in polite society, and whose husband ‘* must have been a perfect angel,1'm sure, to have tole- rated Aer so long," etc., etc. A Wuite Rose.—Getting up in your robe de nuit. A T Rose.—Rosette. A Tupe-Rose.—A stand-pipe. Tue Last Rose or SUMMER.—Turning out of bed on the 31st of August. A LIE, WE put no faith in the rumor that Gen. di Cesnola has invented a wash by which the teeth of an old horse may be made to resemble those of a three- year-old colt. In the first place, the invention would be in violent opposition to the spotless reputation of this great and good man His frank, open character, and well known abhorrence of anything like deceit, make it difficult to understand how such a rumor could have started. A wash, however, has been invented for his own reputation, which, it is claimed, can be applied in such a manner that no juror can see through it. GOOD-NIGHT, A LA MODE. SHE. RONDEAU. HE AND To him: OOD-NIGHT !— (Aside) And yet he does not go: What can it be that keeps him so? Even the owls have gone to bed. (That is the tenth good-night he’s said !) He's very nice—and very slow ; He talks as if he didn’t know How dreadful tired a girl can grow. I cannot hint ; it’s too ill-bred.— (To him :) Good-night ! Who cares if people think this beau Is held here by my charms, although To see him move if brother Fred Should at the window show his head, Might change their minds— (Zo him :) What! Going? Oh, Good-night ! Kart M, SHERMAN. Pror.— What do you understand by the term land in reference to its extent, Mr. M. ?” Mr. M.—“ It extends up and down." Pror.—“ Well, sir, how far down Mr. M.—“ Why to the bottom, sir.” “NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FAIR." A STORY WITH A MORAL, HERE were two of them. One of them was an idiot. The other one was n't. This, by the way, is not by Victor Hugo. To return. They both met her for the first time at a musical party where she sang divinely that tender ballad, “Nevermore, on the Jersey Shore,” and then a charming French chansun about a Mr. Riley that kept an hotel. By the time she had finished, it ‘was all over with both of them, and they sat and stared and wor- shipped in silence with their mouths wide open and did not know what ailed them. They soon found out, however, as one of them broke out with poetry and showed one of his songs to the other one; it ran thus: “Slowly, softly, sadly, Far in the heavens above, The wind is always singing, — Singing of my love!” It was called the “ Song 6f the Wind,” and the fellow who didn't write it suggested that the simple word “Wind,” without any prefix would make a more appro- priate title, and then they clinched. Now Job's Turkey was in affluent circumstances com- ared to these two youths, and it struck one of them Phe idiot) that it was hardly right or manly for him to press his suit on the aforesaid young lady when he had nothing to offer her but himself and the shadow of the poorhouse. He therefore gave up his easy life and went out West where he worked like a mule at mining comicbooks.com