Life — December 20, 1883 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* LIFE: AN INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS. (Special to Lire.) SANTA CrUz, Dec, 23d, 1883. Your correspondent, while walking through the town a few days since, noticed a marble staircase on the left-hand side of the avenue, and being of a curious turn of mind he ascended to the topmost point, and found seated there the favorite god of all the children, surrounded on all sides by toys of every descrip- tion, His long white beard covered his lap, and he was indus- triously working with mortar and pestle on a little white mixture, “Is this Mr Claus?” I asked. “*Santa, at your service,” he replied. ‘*May I ask the name of that broad marble staircase I have just ascended?” “ We call that the ‘ Flight of Fancy,’ he answered, as he shook a handful of snow into the air, which, being taken by the breezes, was wafted northward and clothed the green fields with a dress of white. “*T desire to interview you as to your intentions in regard to presents for the world’s men of Prominence.y “* Well, wait one moment until I finish this present Iam making for Cesnola ; you see I'm somewhat of adruggist. This is aspe- cies of wash and paste, three grains of whitewash and four ounces of gum !” ‘* What are its purposes?” “* Well, Cesnola wrote me that he was way up in restorations of all kinds but one. That was, he could n't restore a blasted reputation, and for his Christmas he wouldn't mind something for that. I got my idea of the whitewash from Congressional In- vestigating Committees, and the gum I use on the suggestion of the saying, ‘Take a thief to catch a thief,’ by employing gum to cover up gum games,” “Do you propose to give Benny anything this year?” “Benny? Oh, you mean the Massachusetts pet with the bow- legged eyes? Yes, I've a little seal-skin muffler forhim. You see he caught a bad cold last November. Regularly frozen out ! This ‘ll thaw the old man's heart. I did think of giving him a beauty restorer, but I guess I'll send that to Cleveland.” “Have you anything for Edson ?” *« Well, to tell the truth, I had n't thought much of him, Ev- erything given to him is’ scooped’up by Kelly. What do you think of a copy of the Declaration of Independence for the boy ? Might give him a gentle hint, you know.” “ How about Keifer?” “ Keifer?” said Santa.‘ I've purchased a few acres up on the banks of Salt River for him and Robeson. I think I'll give Hayes a farm up there too. I wanted to buy Rutherford another Presidential term like his last, but he isn’t the kind of a man I like. I hate to give a man anything and have him turn around and give it to some one else. I gave him the Presidency some years ago, and what does Ae do? He gives it to Mrs. Hayes. It's all nice enough to talk about politeness, and as long as it’s a seat in a horse-car that's given up, I don’t mind; but for a man to be so tarnal polite as to give the Presidential chair to a lady—then I throw up my hand. Hayes wrote me he was doing well. He isa selectman out in Fremont. He says Mrs. Hayes wants him to star in ‘Ten Nights in a Bar-Room,’ but he always was afraid of snakes!" ‘* Ts it your intention to give President Arthur anything?” **Yes; Chet would like to board at the White How'se for an- other term and I think I can workit forhim. You probably have noticed how all the Democrats are cutting each other's throats. That's my work. If the Democrats want to elect a man they must nominate him within two weeks of election. I never saw one yet who did n't make a—er—well, a Democrat out of himself after two wecks of public life. Their man has got to be deaf, dumb, blind and paralyzed, so that he can't about ‘ local issues" or ‘tariff.’ Until that man comes Chet’s chances are & Mr. Claus was then called away and the interview ended. J.K.B. 317 wry is a boy who has successfully crawled under the circus tent like a celebrated character of the “‘ Arabian Nights?” Because he is A-lad-in. THE intoxicated man on his way home at night may not have much curiosity, but he likes to be well posted. A BAS BLEU. HE owned she'd réad the classics through, And doted on Swinburne and Shelly, Was fond of Lamb, and Bacon, too, And quoted Keats while making jelly ; Her buns caught sugared sweets from Popes Her paddingannes was spiced with Bailey; In dusty crypts her mind would grope, From musty Gower to prim old Paley. If Thackeray piqued her with his wit, Then ** Pickwick " soothed her, and the '* Wellers "; She always had a laughing fit At Chaucer and those horrid spellers; The ‘‘ Over-Soul” by heart she knew, And dreamed all day of Shakespeare's sonnets ; From Ruskin’s critiques caught her cue ‘When painting tiles and trimming bonnets. De Musset, with his pensive strain, And Heine made her heart grow mellow ; Sad Petrarch only gave her pain, She wept each day o'er ** Consuelo" ; “* But, oh! the sweetest thing in prose,” She cried (ye humble critic heed her), In rapture, as she twirled a rose, “Ts * Pascarel,’ by dear old ‘Ouida’ !"” Haro_p VAN SANTVOORD. HOME-MADE CHRISTMAS GIFTS. Preasant Work FoR YouNnG AnD OLD. ROLLER SKATES, “THESE can be easily constructed by any bright boy or girl, and will make an appropriate and wel- come gift to his grandpa. In the first place, buy at the nearest shop, 8 sheets of silvered paper, a pot of glue, 3 picture nails, a stick of sealing-wax, 10 pieces of per- forated card-board, 7 ounces of split zeyphyr, and some suitable wood, tools, straps and things. A bottle of red ink and an electric hairbrush are also useful, but can be dispensed with. Now, select a large table, in order that you may have room to work comfortably. If the dining-table is not big enough, spread out your ma- terial on the top of the piano ; you will find it a capi- tal work-bench. Having chopped out the pieces for the body of your skates, fasten on the straps and rollers, and then orna- ment with patterns cut out of silvered paper to suit the taste. Be sure to have “ Grandpa" worked in worsted somewhere on top. If the old gentleman can guess what they are when he gets them, give him a chromo and a pound of tea. This furnishes pleasant amuse- comicbooks.com