Life — November 15, 1883 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A TIME-WORN TALE. HEN for Old Orchard Beach I departed, With my pocketbook full—glad and gay, I ne’er thought I ‘d return broken-hearted ; Broken pocketbooked too, by the way. In the usual way, there I met her (The charmer, I hardly need say) ; Though I hate her I'll never forget her, For she pulverized me the first day. By wire-pulling worked with discretion I got into her own special c/igue, And I yielded and made a confession Within the short space of a week. She was sorry she never could love me, Regretted to notice my “ weeps ;”” But she swore by the heavens above me, “Did n’t know I was ‘playing for keeps.’ ” ARISTOPHANES. N. B.—There is a curse goes with this poem. “Your wife,” says the Christian Union, “is entitled to her share of your income.” Oh yes, we all know that; but after she takes out her share we have to walk home, unless we have credit with the street car driver. ‘LIFE: 245 FIRST AID TO THE INJURED. Lecture II] —Strangulation, 1, These rules in regard to strangulation must be observed with strict accuracy, ‘The first four will be found especially valuable to one travelling in the West. 2. Always take the man’s watch in order to count his pulse beats. If he hasn't got any (that is, any pulse beats), he is probably fatally injured, and has lost sensibility. Should he have any feelings left, these are also injured. 3. Notify the coroner. 4. Find out whose horse it was that he stole. 5. Collect material for a two-column account of the “Satisfaction of Justice, by our Special Correspond- ent.” 6. Pull the patient’s tongue forward, and see if there is a German word sticking in his throat. If so, re- move it, 7. If he is a member of the Knickerbocker Club, re- move his collar. This will undoubtedly destroy all his self-respect, but will save his life. 8. Pat his back. pat back again. g. Laugh at him for making such funny faces. Do this very gently, or he may HE tens of thousands who have been entranced by the delicate imagery and exquisite daintiness of Mr. T. B. Aldrich’s verse, will welcome the pretty little volume just issued by Houghton, Mifflin & Co., Boston, entitled, “ Mercedes and Later Lyrics.” Mr. Aldrich has already won a proud place among the poets of the century, and this latter work cannot but add to his fame. “ HE and She, or a Poet's Portfolio,” by W. W. Story (Houghton, Mifflin & Co.), needs no other introduction to the literary world that the an- nouncement of its appearance. Mr. Story has departed from his usual style in this work, but the result is the same in charm and delicacy. “‘l'HICKER than water” is the title of Mr. James Payn’s latest novel. Mr. Payn is She of those men who think they can cook and always make their own coffee. ‘TENNYSON went to Copenhagen, the Philadelphia Call says, and read one of his own poems to the Czar of Russia. The Czar didn’t say anything about the poem, but he did remark that he'd just like to get hold of Mr. Tennyson in Russia where he could read him about three hundred lines of the knout under the Nihi- list. act. comicbooks.com