Life — October 11, 1883 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

174 APHORISMS. BY ‘‘ WOODCHUCK" PETE. SOME cullid folks would radder go to a horse-trot on Sunday dan to Quarterly Meetin’. De man doan’ lib dat ki: i ‘a man’s bizness to split Sunday, dar you ar’! bizness. De mo’ I reads de less I feels my ignorance, and de mo’ I feels my ignorunce de less I reads. Dey aint nuffin’ like it to make a man proud. Ef de bell-punch was maniperlated in some chu'ches whar’ de ungodly deacons pass de sasser, de parstor might hev briiled chicken for his Sunday dinner instead ob rice, De fines’ po'try dat was eber writ ain't in de hymn-book or Lord Bayrum’s pomes. Dar is mo’ true po'try in a bill ob fair an’ a good meal ob vittles dan you kin find on all de grabe-stones in a fust class seminary. Piety am a sof’ cushion dat res’ de bones ob de aged wen de squint am gone out de eye an’ de chillblains hu’t so dat wen yo’ har de fiddle yo’ can't sarve de debbil no longer. De great loss of tishu am 'casioned by friction, Wuk am fric- tion, So gib de body a chance to res’. Doan knock aroun’ mo 'n o’ kin he'p. Ef de fishin’ am good, lay off. Nuffin’ am health. fer dan settin’ in de sun. But nuffin’’ll wear de taps off yo’ boots an’ gib yo’ r'umatiz in de j'ints like follerin’ a plow an’ shuckin’ corn. Limber up de j'ints an’ gib de body a chance to res’, religion an’ bizness. Ef hit 's " wood and fill his ice-house on Religion am religion, an’ bizness am THERE was a young girl named Maria Who tried to sing high C still higher, But the confounded note stuck crosswise in her throat And they bounced her right out of the choir. CONCERNING HOMELY MEN. HE efflorescence of female beauty in the Langtry type has had no counterpart in ideals of manly beauty in behoof of the maligned male sex. It is true that Mr. Oscar Wilde was hailed with an esthetic hubbub as a type of manly grace. Yet, even with the boastful attributes of long hair and matchless legs, he failed to establish his rank and prestige as one of the gods of the earth. Others have failed too,whose names it would be idle to recall; and the abstract idea of male beauty is as vague and delusive as the free-think- er’s notion of cosmos and the spirit of eternal truth. And yet handsome men are seen in the park and at the clubs who are recognized as “‘lady-killers.” Are the prigs and triflers? Ugly men console themselves wit! this reflection though they may be equally priggish and conceited. As tastes differ it is by no means rare for an uncouth, ill-looking fellow with the vices of a Lovelace and the manners of a cow-boy, to “cut out” a fair, sleek-limbed Apollo who dresses in exqui- site taste, dances the german, makes costly presents, and writes verses in autograph albums. It is a hack- neyed saying that none but the brave deserve the fair. Women admire men of brains and muscle, and marry squint eyes and bandy legs when the former qualities appeal to their imagination and taste. Handsome men do not always carry off the fairest prizes. They are successful, however, in a flirtation with a madcap girl - LIFE: when a homely man would not dare touch the hem ‘of her garment. Sensible women profess to be wholly indifferent to the matter of a man’s personal pretensions. “ Would you marry such a one?" asks a confidential friend. “Marry that monkey-on-a-stick? Never. Under no circumstances. I'd see myself marrying Aim. When J marry (but I expect to live and die an old maid) it will be a man, and not a tailor’s dummy.” Such words are truly comforting to her ugly suitors. Instead of talking in corners and turning green with melancholy they trip forward and extend her courtesies which she is bound to reciprocate. A woman of tact is expected to make advances to homely men. The dude can set his traps and plan his own campaign. But the grave has closed over many a weary, heart-broken bachelor whose sole obstacle to matrimony proved to be a pair of crooked legs ora broken nose. None but Shakers rejoice that so many men of quality have failed to make themselves fasci- nating to women. They do fail, it is true, and some of them ignominiously. The D'Orsays, Beau Nashes, and Brummels are rare, and their rarity increases. Every man would fascinate a woman if he could unless he has a constitutional aversion to the sex, and a cor- responding love for the bottle. Still it does not seem improbable that every bachelor, whether he is fine- looking or as ugly as a Hindoo idol, has some quality which would enhance his matrimonial chances were he to overcome his shyness and timidity, or fall in with a plump widow. Sydney Smith thought that no female heart can withstand a red-coat. Simon Tap- pertit fascinated the sylph-like Miss Miggs with his slim legs. The love-locks adorning the marmoreal brow of ex-Senator Conkling excite warm sympathies for the fallen statesman whenever he shakes his hy- perion curls. It has caused a great many hearts to flutter. So it goes. And there is another point worth emphasizing. Homely men are, generally speaking, good men; not goody good, but good enough. Mr. Samuel J. Tilden is plain looking and so is Governor Butler, but each has his lady admirers. The heart of fair woman is not to be caught with winnowed chaff. It is not to be stormed with grape and cannister. Soft glances, fine clothes and amorous ditties cannot quicken its pulsations if a woman has no sympathy with the fascinator who resorts to these makeshifts to excite her feelings. It is also believed that homely men make the best husbands. In many homely men will be found “ The courteous, yet majestic mien, The liberal smile, the look serene, The great and gentle mind.” A great and gentle mind is a priceless possession. It is a matter of little consequence whether he who has a great and gentle mind has a hump on his back or takes his teeth out at night before lying down to peaceful dreams, and drops them in a tumbler. But some girls prefer handsome men and perhaps they are right, for Keats says, “ A thing of beauty is a joy for- ever.” H.V.S. comicbooks.com