Life — October 4, 1883 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-* LIFE: Baggagemaster (to old lady who has been causing him a great deal of unnecessary trouble): WELL, MUM, I JUST WISH YOU WAS AN ELEPHANT AND THEN YOU 'D ALWAYS HAVE YOUR TRUNK RIGHT UNDER YOUR EYES. with rage and purple with amazement at the audacity of this callow recruit. Then hoarsely, as if speaking under a pillow, he grunted, “Go on, Sir.” Agnus informed him with calm zeal that the first point was to select a good stock. Then to order it bought, and, lastly, to rake in the profit. Silenus, husky with suppressed emotion, said : “Suppose the stock do n’t advance?” “Ah!” replied Agnus, “it’s gof to advance if your brokers understand their business and you don't lose your nerve. Besides, you don't buy it exactly, any- how; the broker margins it with something or other, you know, and then the tape tells the whole story.” Silenus rolled his eye-balls fearfully. “Tape?” he gurgled. “Yes,” said Agnus, “these brokers have a thing they call a ticker, and there’s a paper tape comes out -of this from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M.,and this works the prices up, you know. You would soon understand it.” “Oh! I would, would 1?” “ And you think you understand it, you infernal mud- brained lunatic! You jack-assified parody on a cab- bage head! You idiotic driveller of nonsense which would be rejected ina political platform! Give me some air! Bring me a gun! I'll kill him and nail his skin on the club door as a warning to fools! Bring me a gun, some one, or I'll kill him with a spoon!” Agnus fled to young Fitz Asinus. “That violent old Silenus is cursing me again,” he moaned, “Fearful old brute,” replied Fitz Asinus, “what is he swearing at you for now?” “T was giving him some points on stocks,” said Ag- nus, “and he began to threaten my life.” “Really! Fatuus, it almost serves you right. He has n’t got any money, you know, and it always makes aman with no money mad to talk about such things with him. I never talk about money unless I know a fellow has got a lot, don’t you see ; then he feels flat- tered by the attention unless he is a coarse brute like a bank president and jealous of what you know, don’t you know.” As Fitz Asinus arranged his bang at the mirror Ag- nus sighed and said : “T wish I knew as much as you do, old man. I am a miserable fellow—no tact—only fit to make money. I made $35,000 to-day.” Fitz Asinus raised his eyebrows under his bang. “ You made thirty-five thousand dollars! How ?” “T followed the point you gave me last night. Bought Oceanic Mail.” “The point J gave you! Lord! keep it myself?" groaned Fitz Asinus. out and wept bitterly. Agnus sought old Croesus (firm of Croesus, Midas & Co., brokers and bankers). ‘That magnate was read- ing the money article in an evening paper for informa- tion. (Mem.—The article had been written by a financier who earned eighteen dollars a week and owed thirty-six for beer.) A half hour’s conversation closed as follows (Croesus speaking oracularly) : “So, my boy, don’t be misled by to-day’s transac- tion. Never touch a non-dividend paying stock. Buy only good stocks, through a solid house ; then the in- terest earned carries the stock until you can sell out at a profit. The stock business under these conditions is safe, pleasant and profitable, the element of dangerous gambling eliminated, and operations are based upon logical premises afforded by the yield of the harvests, the moving of the crops, the general business outlook of the country, and the phases of the money market. Do this and live within your income and you must ac- cumulate wealth. Violate these rules and your occu- pation becomes gambling, your end poverty.” “By Jove ! I will,” said Agnus. “T'll buy a lot of the stocks you have named !"" How he bought on the morrow and how he fared is told in the next chapter. Why didn’t I And he went