Life, 1883-04-05 · page 12 of 16
Life — April 5, 1883 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# "Biographettes" - Life Magazine Satire This page contains two biographical sketches that are entirely fabricated parodies, mocking the earnest biographical entries found in serious publications. **Giovanni Chelli**: Presented as an eminent Italian-American sculptor, but the biography is absurd nonsense—his ancestor allegedly invented both music boxes and pasta holes; he worked as a circus monkey; his fire-fighting career involved absurd violence with trumpets and spanners. The satire culminates by claiming he sculpted busts of contemporary politicians (Tilden, Grace, Edson, Cleveland, Arthur), mocking both pretentious artistic claims and these public figures. **The Widow Guelph**: A mock biography of an English woman, riddled with ridiculous jokes (a four-year-old's pun about "reign" distributed to European royalty on satin), suggesting she runs a matrimonial matchmaking service. The humor relies on outlandish fabrication presented in solemn biographical style. Both entries lampoon celebrity biographies and self-important public figures through deliberate absurdity and deadpan delivery—Life's characteristic satirical approach.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
ve GIOVANNI CHELLI. THis eminent sculptor was born in Limerick, Italy, March 17th, 1829. His maternal great-grandfather, Moichael O'Vermicelli, was the first to employ rotary music for the amuse- ment of the public, and claims also to have been the originator of the present method of inserting holes in maccaroni with a view to making that vegetable more nutritious, To his great-uncle, who also had aturn for music, is attributed the introduction of the red flannel garments now used by ring-tailed monkeys all over the lobe. othe subject of this sketch was reared in affluence. At the age of seven he was considered so handsome that, upon the death of his uncle's favorite ring-tail, Giovanni was offered the vacancy, and traveled for some time with great success. In 1852 he came to America, and for several years pursued his studies in archi- tecture, going many times a day to the summit of buildings in the process of being erected. Thence he drifted into the science of fire-engineering, as conducted in those days, and was known to have used up as many as six trumpets and ten spanners in one argument with a rival company, as to which would put out the re. Asa sculptor, Mr. Chelli has no peer. The manner in which he carved Tilden and Grace will hand his name down to posterity. He is still at work, having just finished Mr. Edson. In his studio at present may be seen the crude busts of Messrs. Cleve- land and Arthur, which promise to be works worthy of his fame. Personally, Mr. Chelli is of slight build, and has the thoughtful, modest air of a poet and a student. He dislikes politics, and never has been known to interest himself in public men or affairs. BIOGRAPHETTES. vi THE WIDOW GUELPH. } RS, V. R. GUELPH was born in England, of noble but f honest parents, June 18th, 1819. Her father, successful duke, had retired from business when “ V yas he called her, was born, Her early youth was spent quietly in the old tenement house at Trent, and she was educated to look kindly upon the children of even the earls and marquises which infest that country. In 1823, when she was only four years old, her father suddenly announced to her that George, then heir of the throne, was dead. Immediately the little Vick replied : “ Tt looks like reign, then, doesn’t it?" This joke was imme- diately forwarded to Harper's Monthly, at immense expense, and copies printed on satin were distributed among all the crowned heads of Europe. In 1839, her family being in somewhat reduced circumstances, and she herself possessing only one crown to begin life with, Vick opened up the old Windsor, and let apartments therein to deserving ladies who were out of employment. Soon after, she married a Mr. Albert, who had recently emigrated to England from a German town whose name, if printed, would fill out the balance of this article. He lived until his death, which occurred some years ago, Mrs. Guelph is now tolerably well known throughout England and its neighborhood. She founded the most prosperous Royal Matrimonial Agency in Europe, which had patrons in every kingdom. Lately, however, her stock has run short, and it is probable she will soon retire from business, and leave her inter- ests to her son Al, who at present carns a precarious livelihood by writing puffs for professional beauties. Cc: comicbooks.com