Life — February 8, 1883 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BRAND NEW ARABIAN NIGHTS. 1. T is told of William the Boss, who ruled New York of old, that he was wont to wander about the city, dis- ised as a man of lashion, to learn the condition of his peo- ple and to hear their comments on his gov- ernment. On one occasion, the story tuns, he fell into the hands of a ‘* Drexel” of the time; but es- caped with his life and his purse. Next morning the inmates of the club- house into which he had been entrapped were summoned to his presence. When they recognized the potentate they threw them- selves upon their faces. The great man looked at them with the in- scrutable smile that gave his countenance so mysterious a beauty. “Unhappy men, said he, ‘* you have suffered me to be treated with disrespect, But I forget not that you took me for a gentle- man, and perchance you acted like true men according to your lights. Your fate lies with me. Before pronouncing upon it, I would fain know your stories. Let the proprietor of the club- house speak first.” ‘The whole company trembled with apprehension, as a swarthy man, of severe countenance, arose, and bowed, and spoke: . The Story of the Indian Chiropodist. All-powerful-man, he began, I am the proprietor of the house which you deigned to honor with your presence. In early life I was left an orphan; and my guardian, who was a very astute man, deemed that my life would be most profit- able to myself and the world if I aspired to a rank above that in which I was born. What was your birth ? inquired the Boss. My father, said the swarthy man, was a dealer in spirituous drinks. Itis an honorable calling, but the prejudices of my guardian led him to believe that a Tearned profess honorable still. So I was sent to what is called a college, and after that to a medical school, where I devoted myself to the cur- riculum with laudable assiduity. * What does that mean ? asked the Boss sternly. I studied my level best, answered the swarthy man. I graduated with credit, he continued, and applied to my guar- dian for a statement of my accounts. He promised to give me one on the following day. But the next morning he was not, neither was my property. Thrown upon my professional re- sources, I hired an office and waited for patients. None came, in spite of the fact that I was provided with the best credentials. I endeavored to find some humbler employment ; but I was in- formed that I had chosen my career, and that I was too old to begin a new one. My landiady lost patience—— Was she, too, a physician ? asked the Boss. She was not. She was a widow. She turned me out of doors and retained my trunk. I was about to pat anend to my sorrows, when I was accosted by a man who asked me if I was up to snuff. I replied that I should smile. The result of our inter- view was that I took my stand behind a bar, and there mixed for such persons as he brought to me certain potations, in regard to which my science enabled me to assure him that a limited amount would deprive the drinkers of all self-control. I may add that this took place on an election day. Was your friend a Coroner? asked the Boss. He was. He still is.* is well, said the Boss, with his beautiful smile. WILLIAM, THE BOSS. *A certain Coroner is said, by tradition, to have been a faithful henchman of the Boss. - LIFE: 69 In consequence of my services, continued the swarthy man, I received an appointment at the Quarantine Hospital. I be- lieved my fortune made. But alas! the folly of youth is great ! You must know that for each vaccination the doctors at Quaran- tine received a certain sum, to be expended in the purchase of virus, Now the virus of commerce was costly enough to swal- low up the whole sum, so I thought it but just to myself to in- vent a new sort, which enabled me to economize my perqui- sites, and which caused as much discomfort as the real thing. But one fatal day a ship arrived, and declared that a member of the crew had died during the passage. Full of zeal, I thereupon vaccinated the whole ship's company, to the number of five hun- dred and fifty-seven. Of, these, three men, a servant maid and a negro baby sickened and died. In spite of this absurdly small percentage of casualty, certain meddlesome philanthropists in- sisted upon investigating the case. And when it transpired that the member of the crew who had died during the passage had been lost overboard, my precautions for the preservation of the public health were declared excessive. Nay, those were not wantin; who described them as corrupt.* I was cruelly discharged, ani left once more at the mercy of the world. As I entered the city with a sinking heart, I observed an ele- gant equipage drawn by six milk-white horses ; and on inquiring to whom it belonged, I was informed that it was the property of the great African doctor, Rumor said that like me he had vainly tried to practice medicine in the vulgar way, but that when he had blackened his face, and begun to sell drugs by the gross, he had prospered exceedingly. Go to, said I, 1 will do like- wise. So, having darkened my complexion with a certain juice and allowed my hair, which is straight and black, to grow long, I boldly hired a suite of parfors in a conspicuous part of the city, and announced myself to the people of New York as the world-lamed Indian Chir- : opodist. From that moment the 2% scale of my fortune turned. I know the secrets of half the pretty feet of Manhattan. [ have operated on the landlady who retained my trunk. She now uses crutches. And, having entered into secret partner- ship with certain makers of shoes, I have been blest with a steadily increasing practice. So great has been my prosperity that, in spite of tastes which I’ cannot call frugal, I have saved money. And by way of combining a safe investment with the love of society for which I have always been renowned, I fit- ted up and opened the splendid club-house, in which I had the honor, which shall be my pride until my dying day, of receiving your august visit. A story comes from a Maine village to the effect that when a kindly neighbor called on Mrs. Bluff and spoke of the sorrow she felt to hear of the loss of the youngest of Mrs. B.’s twelve daughters:—“ Wall,” said Mrs. B., “I don’t feel so terrible bad ; fer’t seems ter me more like a weedin’ out of ’em.” Cuoosinc His Time.—A clever fellow being asked how he managed to sit out the five acts of a cer- tain antique tragedy now being performed at a New York theatre, replied : “I came in and took my seat between every act, and smoked my cigar outside the test of the time. First-rate orchestra, you know, and I enjoyed myself first-rate !"" ‘THR INDIAN CHIROPODIST. A shibboleth of philantrophy. Philanthropy was a disorder formerly rife in America among people who had so few affairs of theit own to look after that they busied themscives with the affairs of others. comicbooks.com