Judge, 1929-03-16 · page 13 of 36
Judge — March 16, 1929 — page 13: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This satirical story mocks both corporate exploitation and patent medicine advertising. A chief chemist and his team have spent ten years developing "Blisterine," a fictional cure-all product (likely parodying real patent medicines like Listerine). They've repeatedly invented new uses—sore throat prevention, halitosis cure, dandruff treatment, antiseptic—to boost sales whenever demand flagged. Now the company demands *another* use or the chemists are fired. In desperation, one chemist accidentally mixes Blisterine with gin, discovers it makes an intoxicating drink, and triumphantly calls the Advertising Department to market it as a new product. The satire targets: (1) the absurd elasticity of patent medicine claims, (2) corporate ingratitude toward workers, and (3) the era's rampant false advertising. The punchline suggests these "cure-all" products are so worthless their only real value is as alcohol—a bitter commentary on the patent medicine industry's actual practices.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JUDG “Where d’ya want this piano, lady?” The Panacea “That's gratitude, men, that’s how grateful a big company is toward the men who have pulled it thru storm and strife!” These were the ironic words that issue from the chief chemist’s mouth. The other five men, his sistants, who sat about the great and in- geniously equipped laboratory, grunted their assent, “Ten years,” the speaker con- tinued, “ten years we have worked, slept, caten, and drank, with nothing but Blisterine for most in our minds. We have seen it rise from an almost unknown product to what it is to-day. Its fame is spread from coast to coast, people in every state in the union are buying it so that they can save cnough money to buy them- And rss, who selves scarfs and stocki who gave it such sue brought it such renown? We did! Why, when we started with this company, Blisterine way merely a sore - throat) preventive, — Now, look at it! We had been here but a short time when we revived its popularity by proclaiming that it cured that dreaded disease, Halitosis! But that was not all, —when fewer people began buy- ing bottles of Blisterine, who cain? We ing man hoosted up the sales « did! What modern y will call on his girl without. first pouring our product on hiy head to cure himself of dandruff? But were we satisfied with that? No! We then saw its possibilities as an antiseptic to be used when washing the hands. And now the Advertising Department tells us that if we cannot find another use for Blisterine, we may consider our service with the company at an end. Gawd, such injustice!” With this remark, he took a drink of gin, (It is only natural for any man faced with such mis- fortune to take to intoxicants.) Again the chief steed up, « with loud and bitter “damn dup the nearest: bottle of the famous mouth-wash and 1 he pic smashed it violently on the table. And here he ay to swear, for much of the Blister in began ine had fallen inte the very last bit of liquor the poor man had. Sick at heart and caring little what was in the glass as long as he could drown his troubles, the man took up the drink and im- bibed it. Having finished it, he set it down ain with a loud shrick. “Y. cess!” he cried with joy, “Charles, call the Advertising Department !” —Sipney Simon ds! Success! Suc- comicbooks.com