Judge — March 9, 1929 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE Aldermanic Body in Panic! City Fathers Prohibit Poison-Gas ! By S.J. Perelman, Needlework Editor of Judge New York, March 7.—The Board of Aldermen of New York has been messing around, parching for something to prohibit. Last Tuesday they passed an ordinance that no policemen could be eaten whilst on duty. Wednesday they rushed through a bill compelling the South- ern states (Georgia, Louis a, Rosalsky, Weber, and Heilbronner) to stop making Confederate And now they have gone and passed a ruling that nobody can make poison-gas for home n buy it at the corner saloon. This latest cute move on the part of the Alderm: chamber is bound to m a lot of disgruntled voters. Formerly a man could go out and’ get gruntled and nobody could even gains. him. Now with the parks full of disgruntled poison- addicts, people are ing to use dangerous sub- stitutes. Already five cas- ualties have been brought in suffering with freckles and windburn bought in waterfront speakeasies. On closer examination two of them were discovered to have caviar and were put art cans and sold atessen stores, Among the first arrests yesterday for breaking the w regulation were those of Hermione Greenspan, colored, and Grover W. Garbo, also colored. Miss Green's pan (or rather, Miss Greenspan's pan) is colored bright green, and Mr, Garbo, neither blonde nor brunette, uses Nude, the new chic pastel shade. Mr. Garbo was accused of heaping coals of fire on Miss Greenspan's head, which violates Section III of the law. (That is, Miss Greenspan's head does not violate Section 111, but heapin son her conk is forbidden.) The guilty pair were taken into Custody, New York, and waivers were taken out by McGraw, Ruppert, and Rupert McGraw. Some of the waivers were found to be fully developed and almost three feet long. “We had a hard time landing some of the waiv- mor use or ¢ g “T wonder what's become of Sally?” ers," admitted Capt. McGraw as the party posed in front of the day’s catch with their rods. “You know we're not allowed to tip the waivers and the service you get is something terrible. Why, only yesterday my wife and I—by the way, Baker, you must come up to the and meet house some da the wife—" “Twas up not long I hedged shyly. “When?” demanded Me- Graw, beginning to bristle “Oh, you weren't there,” I riposted, “And if it’s all the same to you, I prefer a little more of the white meat without so much bristle.” adly, brimmed = MeG ing the bird. so you have met the woman! Tell me, both lucky fel- be,” I sallied, and judging by the laughter of the doorman four stories below, you could have heard my sally in our alle The poison-gas enforce- ment ban is in charge of “Municipal Ban’ Johnson. Mr. Johnson, whose ex- quisitely tailored bans are familiar to the wise mob on the main throb, has offered twenty-five grand for the best solution of poison-gas prohibition en forcement. ‘The younger neration rebelled and carouses nightly with bootleg gas. Mustard Gas and Tear Gas are served wherever la jeunesse con- uregates. Hardy spirits are even tapping the kit- chen stoves to distill gas for their orgies and plans are under way to prohibit stoves and perhaps the younger generation. The latter will be wiped out npulsory readings of Heywood Brounste nder Woollcottstein, and Christopher Morl These three roguish cavaliers will then be iced, salted, and shipped by dog team to Devil's Island or Van Dieman’s Land and forgotten. . . . It all sounds too good to be true. n, stein, comicbooks.com