Judge — January 19, 1929 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

nl An Open Letter To President Coolidge Calvin Coolidge, White House. Washington, D. ¢ My dear Mr. President As one Phi Gamma Delta brother to another, Tam truly ind sincerely considerate of vour 908 vless after March fourth, vuoare entirely too young to put on a pair of house slippers, draw up ab omfy chair in front of a loudspeaker, and spend the rest of your life smoking one three-for-a-niekeLeigar after another. It is with fraternal pride and a deep sense of ippreciation of a difficult: task well done that 1 flutter my monogrammed hanky at y Brother Calvin, as you teddle down the White House steps for the last time You have been a magnificent captain of our country. You haven't aways looked comfortable in front of a camera, but you can't be blamed for that, what with talking pictures and things. I've always preferred you to the Happiness Boys on the radio. I'd rather look at a picture of you in your ten-gallon ywhoy hat than ata derby on the end of a trom bone. At the last election [must against your party, and for Sr party matter with me at all of hats. If there is one thi mit that IT veted th. Tt wasn't a It was solely a matter I'm pipped what-ho about it’s hat personality in the White House. After comparing the hats of Hoover and Smith, naturally I'd vote for the brown derby. [ assure you, Brother Calvin, that if Mr. Hoover had cam- paigned in an orchid Beret, my vote would have gone to him. As a parting keepsake to the beauty — | of Washington, I suggest that you stand at the foot of Washington Monument and L your cowboy hat up an’ up till it rings the pinnacle of | | the monument and leave it there as a nest for | the birds of this great commonwealth of our'n. | “Ahh-h-h!” you will say, “that leaves me without a hat!’ Quite right, Brother Calvin, it leaves you with- out a lot of hat. But calm yourself, Brother, for that’s where the purpose of this letter presents — | itself. I hereby offer the job of Jupce. Ir., to you and the High Hat which goes with it. I mean it absolutely what- ho!!! The Edi- tor of Jepar will HATE allow you seven silk toppers a year, and knowing your pip for economy, Um certain you ean cut that allowance to three or four. This offer iy contingent, Brother Calvin, on your faithful promise to throw your cowboy hat to the top of Washington Monument Don't think for one minute that you're going to step into this job ut wearing that cowboy headgear You'd look ridiculous no end running around to 1 ten-gallon To belittle such a thing further, you've set Mac howling. He sé he'd have to draw a new heading for the page- COWBOY HAT’—and Mae's a busy little bee these days, what with drawing a lot of pic tures and delivering lectures on the sad state of the Thimble Manufacturing Industry at) Bar- ney Gallant's Floating University in’ Greenwich Villag If vou are loath to throw the make still another suggestion. night clubs wearing a full dress suit and hat, a two-quart one is big enough. »whoy hat away, I ou could sell it to some newspaper photographer and he could photo graph cute little police puppies and kittens in it for the Sunday picture sections, Maybe that’s a better idea than throwing it te the top of Washington Monument It might go sailing clear rr the top of the monument and drift down on the hi of a Congresswoman, who would have it made over into a cute little thing with bow in the back and enough left over to make a three-quarter length with acul trimmings. Just be convinced, Brother Calvin, that the cowboy hat must go. There are many economical advantages to being Juper, Jn, too. You get no end of f theatre tickets, Night Club proprietors waive arges, This fella G right in your face. You've been on the wagon all your life, which should appeal to Jupce. We need a sober man for this position. I'll even let you have my charming secretary. She's a dandy girl, etficient and loves candy. The only trouble I ever have with her is at Christmas time. [never know what to give her. You could hop that obstacle by not giving her any- thing. Well, it’s getting late, and I want to play Ramona on the victrola, so Tl close this — letter. I'd like you to con (Continued on page 31) couvert ¢ ant waves them comicbooks.com