Judge — December 22, 1928 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Report of the Perelman Beard Commission Back in 1632 when the horse was first invented the newspapers was submerged with letters cursing horses as a mere fad and would not last and if feet was good enough for my grandfather, why they are good enough for me, ete. But the horse is here to stay, I will hazard. It was the same way with fircless cookers, corn pone, a ck- son, and Du y are all here to stay Now [and my mob has been teasing ourself with the idea that Santa Claus should ought to be re-uphol- stered and given a new leash on life. Well, this same bunch of cheap knockers and Bolsheviks has come forward again and says you can not get a leopard to change his spats oF something. ‘This just goes to show what they know about leopards. In the first unta Claus is not a leopard and it makes me boil to hear them backbite on him when he is up in Lapland and can not defend himself. In the second place everybody knows that a healthy leopard changes his spats every four months and along about this season the shoe clerks is worn to a mere Frazier just waiting on leopards alonc. The manager of a certain shoe store on Evans Street told me recently: “Land my staff of shoe clerks are being worn to a mere Frazier just waiting on leopards who are changing their spats.” Fig. 2 Well, I guess I have proved my point so we will omit the re buttal and get on to something else. As a first step we brooched our plan to Dan Beard, that is a noted beard architect and designer chamber of commerce what town it was. JUDGE FORTE op ReaD a a, |HoOT abcd msvivce| Noor"? | During a train halt one of the passengers got off and asked a member of the local of many famous beavers. Few people know that the beards worn by King George, Charles Evans Hughes, and Calvert Coolidge is the handiwork of Dan, for he is so modest that he rarely permits himself to be scen nude in public places. “However, we “bearded” him in his lair (ha, ha, ha!) and found him just mixing the batter for one of his delicious lair cakes. He served us portions of cake and kumyss and regaled : us with many bizarre ancedotes Fig.3 on his pocket regaler. One of — | them concerned the time he was called in by Centre College on the eve of the Centre-College-Dartmouth game. All their players had full beards and the Dartmouths was smooth faced with downy complexions to boot. Centre was | afraid that the Dartmouths would cease the Centres by the beard and hold them till the ball was passed. What Dan advised can be found in his little pamph- let, “How the Big Game Was Shaved,” put out by Doubleday, Levine and Co, Santa Claus this year will have his pick of the — | four models shown above. Fig. 1 is the Dopey,” to be worn with a double-bosomed suit and no hat. It has a secret drawer for holding rejec- tion slips and is ideal for editors of comic magazines nd other fiends, Fig. 2, the Trader Horn,” is wired for | electricity and lights up with an eerie glow at night that is positively zoftik. When pushed Fig. 4 | around with the hands it is use- ful for gene Fig. 3, the I housework and just chases dirt. In Inderbrush,” we see something for the | (Continued on page 31) comicbooks.com