Judge — October 13, 1928 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

5 When, in the year 1896, my grandfather Habbakuk re- ceived his diplo- ma from the Albatross. School of Fancy Dane- ing and| Invent- him in the fol- lowing terms: “Out of a lass of 320, ex- 319 of us chosen ncy Dancing as a career. selected that most ambitious possible vocations—that of a nce Inventor! I refer, of course, to Classmate Habbakuk. Hab- bakuk goes forth to the fray unaccompanied, but rest assured, brother graduates, t “The precious hours wasted in the care of his beard.” y one of us has ardous of all it will not be long ere all sons of Albatross will point to his record with pride!” By the end of July, true to this prophecy, Hab- bakuk’s name was on the lip of every suckling and babe in the country. Great was the happiness he brought to the tots with the invention of his char- acter doll. Habbakuk’s doll could actually sniff up snuff through its little porcelain nostrils! ‘This was the five-dollar model for boys. The ten-dollar model for girls was even more delicat: nd if it got cinders in its eyes that it could not blink out, it | would daintily remove them in the cutest way with a doll-sized eye cup and saucer. Grandaddy had proven his mettle. The eves of the world were upon him, waiting the develop | ment of his next great invention, the “Little Jack Horner Ballot Box Stuffers.” That autumn Ruther- ford B. Hayes, the great Republican, was running for the presidency against that sterling Democrat, Nelvin I. Tippicanoe, I believe, but am not quite sur Rather fancying the euphonious sound of the Democrat's name, Habbakuk determined to try out his invention by stuffing ballot boxes in his favor. So certain was grandfather of his candidate's vic- tory, that he wagered heavily on the outcome. “If Hayes wins out and the Democrats lose,” he vowed, | “I shall never henceforth whisker from my chin.” The machine worked like a gem! By noon of Election Day, grandfather had personally stuffed every ballot box, letter box and slot machine in Manhattan. That afternoon, to make the cause more certain by stuffing the boxes in Brooklyn, Hab- bakuk went down to the river and boarded the clip- per ship Flittermaus. In 1876, as a glance at your atlas will show you, there was no Brooklyn Bridge at all. More surprising even, is the fact that in those shave a JUDGE The Harassing of Habbakuk By Dr. Seuss days the river was ticenty miles wide, the crossing of which entailed a perilous voyage, through swirl- ing eddies and over hidden reefs that lurked, by ipper ship. he boat scarcely left the dock when a sudden ng tempest shook the clipper ship from stem to stern. Grandfather was in the main saloon, and just sat down to a chummy game of sixty-ha bridge, with fifty-nine beautiful ladies be! a high-class burlesque show. grandfather before you in a false light, let me state that in that wholesome decade, choruses were re- cruited only from the very best of families. In fact, women’s colleges were not all they should have been, so very often a father would set his daughters up to four years in the burlesque instead.) The game broke up in a pa men’s shouts above, grandfather realized that the very worst had happened. The storm had swept the clipper ship upon a reef .. sinking! { Deathly pale, the sixty terror stricken mortals | dup on deck, Already a valiant sailor had swum ashore through the vicious maelstrom with a line, » Breeches Bouy was ready for their use. chorus ladies refused to be saved. * protested their spokeswoman, “if you think we are going to wear br sadly mista We are shocked ¥ onging to (Lest this put my ni From the sea- . the Flittermaus was ra hes, you are u should even suggest such: “Breeches, echoed the others. ladies all, we prefer to zo down with the ship! Grandfather heard this, and the inventor within rue (Continued on page 31) “Thus were the damsels saved with decorum” comicbooks.com