Judge — April 28, 1928 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE Keeping Snookums Silent In casting around for some- body to write this article who has both been a baby and a caretaker of babies, it has occurred to the editors of th with a old) to get me to do the job right. To show that I am the man for the job I will state that I was a baby from birth until nine years old, at which time [ was sent off to kindergarten and died soon after. When I was twelve I used to take care of babies while their mother was away shop-lift- ing and thus learned all about the little so and sos. It was my duty to keep the small nurselings quict until their ma came home with the loo! din this article I will unfold some of my methods. First, what is a good working definition of a “baby”? A baby is a small animal about twenty pounds which if it had hair all over it you would think it was a wolf. The favorite sport of this little 1 is to crawl up on your lap and put your right eye out with his finger. Most of these so-called“ (or rather wolves) have a lot of power in their fect and anybody who has ever taken a good kick in the nose will second this motion. Now the usual way I tame a is as follows: When I am left alone with him I first give it a “rattle.” He is supposed to im- plant the ring in his jaw and chew on it with wards develop- ing what are known as “tecth.” Calling up the friend who gave the kid a constructo-mekano set to come over and get him out of it! Crib design providing trapeze for father to amuse baby on, The purpose of the bells on both sides is to tinkle softly and warn you when he tries to hit you over the head, like they always do. As soon as he has tried to wrap this “rattle” around your conk, it is time to go ahead with the serious business. You take a good sturdy lawn-roller. Then you lay the baby down on the floor and pass the roller over him two or three times, taking care not to in- jure him while doing this. A little talcum powder dusted over his pink form will prevent this. This process ix what is known as “rolling a lush.” After he is good and flat, sprinkle him with salt and pepper to suit and fry to a crisp brown in the shortening you A little garnish of parsley and lemon and he is ready There are some babies which have a natural hardy strain and even rolling will not subdue them, but they are already on their fect and eating the goldfish out of the bowl or something. For these whimsical spirits I generally use a little axe. Before quitting the subject I will say that this treatment will operate on most b: but of course I am still a young man and dare say there is a good deal Tam not yet wised up to. If you come across a baby that does not give a whoop and still carries on after these measures, I would suggest that vou find a nice deep canal somewheres and take out some of the water and put baby in there instead. have already prepared. y to serve, —Perecaan 1 APPOINT YOU EXALTED LORD HIGH PEANUT OF OUR ORDER It seems a magician said to his assistant: “Now, shill, are you sure this silk hat is empty?” — “Positively!” —re- turned the umpchay. “The rabbit you put in it before the performance got away!” comicbooks.com