Judge, 1927-09-03 · page 11 of 36
Judge — September 3, 1927 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Judge Magazine Page Analysis This page contains two distinct elements: **Left side:** A parody poem titled "If — Up to Date," reworking Rudyard Kipling's famous "If—" poem. Instead of Kipling's stoic virtues, this version humorously applies his moral framework to *drinking*. It mocks excessive alcohol consumption by treating drunkenness as an achievable ideal—staying composed while drinking, managing intoxicated friends, hiding broken glasses, and ultimately achieving manhood through mastery of liquor. The satire targets both Prohibition-era drinking culture and the pretentious moralism of Kipling's original. **Right side:** A contest announcement featuring a cartoon of a man in a top hat helping a woman (labeled "Betsy Ross") off a horse. The caption humorously misidentifies the man as "Beauregard Davis" assisting with what appears to be a historical recreation. Judge offers $25 for the funniest submitted dialogue for the empty speech balloons. This is a recurring weekly feature inviting reader participation.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
If — Up to Date If you can keep your head when ubout you Are losing theirs and blaming your bum booze; If you can trust your mixing when all doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting views: If you can shake and not be tired by shaking. Or bei asked to squeeze the that flies, ‘until your back is iking, And yet not squeeze the juice in others’ exes If you can plan—and not make plans to plaster All your friends —and yet make Joy your aim; If you can meet the Trouble and Disaster That may follow, and— then gladly take the blame: Tf you can bear to see the tables soaken, And liquor lying ‘round about in pools; If you can watch your glasses all get broken, And stoop to push the frag- ments under stools; If you can offer friends your very last_ one—— The only bottle of a case that’s gonce—— And smile when someone says: “Make this a fast one!” And not be tempted to exclaim: “Hold on!” If you can be the Master in your drinking, And never let your prestige suffer loss; If you can recognize the time for thinking, And quit) when Barleycorn begins to boss; If you can drink with girls and keep your virtue, Or drink with men—nor lose your balance, much; If gin and rum and whiskey never hurt you, And all stay down and keep in common touch: If you can fill the unforgetting minute With sixty seconds’ worth of drinking fun, Yours is the arth and every- thing that’s in it, And—which is more—you'll be a Man, my son —Grorce M. Lecuorn * NING DIALOGU JUDGE JUDGE’S New Weekly Contest 7 Ni Lie (at What have we here? If it isn’t Beuragard Davis, himself in person, not a moving pictur lantly helping Betsy Ross off of her horse. Betsy is the one with t maton. But stay! What is Beuragard saying to Betsy? And vice versa, or versa vice! On with the dance! (Answers to Contest No. 1 will appear in the Sept. 10 issue) JUDGE Will Pay $25.00 for the Funniest Dialogue Submitted for the Above Picture If more than one receive the prize of rson submits the same winning dialogue, each will 5.00. You may write your brilliant brainstorm right in the above balloons if you wish, or you may draw a couple of your own balloons on a postal card and fill them in. Be sure and put the contest number on the card. And you may send in as many wisecracks as you like, but none will be returned. Send all entries to the BALLOON CONTEST EDITOR. JUDGE, 627 West 43rd St.. New York. THIS WEEK’S .- TEST (No. +) CLOS PTEMBER 10TH. THE WIN- AND PICTURE will be in the Oct. Ist issue. PICTURE No. 5, NEXT WEEK! WATCH FOR IT! FUN FOR YOUNG AND OLD! comicbooks.com