Judge — July 2, 1927 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE We are quite positive that most persons are just all upset and in a horrible state of mind trying to decide on the best place for ve tioning. May we offer a few suggestions? <=> You all know that the jolly-est time can be had by all at a sum- mer camp, especially if you have your own little bunch of play- fellows. And of course it’s best to select a camp which is only an hour's journey as the crow flies, only you don’t go by crow. After spending a night and half a day y lackadaisical and « cidedly indisposed train, you ar- rive at the junction and find your- self practically right at camp. Being a bit weary, you hire the only available taxi, which is a sort of one horsepower cart effect are off in a cloud of dust. bout three hours or so you arrive your destination. Well, any- way, you've arrived and the bunch which has preceded you is just too darn glad to see you. There's much slapping of backs, loads of unnecessary shouting and a quantity of draping around necks. But by this time nothing seems to make any difference. Just plain will power keeps you from falling by the wayside. You're shown to your tent, which, of course, you don’t mind sharing with two utter strangers, who are just unbearably energetic and just awfully good sports. You flop down on your cot, which seems to be particularly resentful, because it immediately sags in the middle. But that’s not all, it just keeps on and on sagging until you are convinced that somebody has made a mistake and assigned you a hammock instead of a bed. => aS But, as we said before, nothing es the least bit of difference. Just as you are on the verge of being completely annihilated from excessive pressure and suffocation somebody rushes in and shouts that it’s your turn to go to the spring for water. Campers al- s seem to have a_ peculiar habit of shouting and rushing. Well, adjusting your earth induc- tor compasses and leaving word that if you aren't back by fall to send relief expeditions, you start for the spring. Believe it or not, you do finally get back with the water, or a small part of it a way. Your next task is shooing the ants out of the sugar, while the others are getting the dinner. And this is certainly no snap of a job, unless you are an experienced ant-shooer. oP Your next task is to indulge in glee club songs around a huge camp fire and swallow large puffs of smoke at every inhale without strangling to death. After an hour or so the rest of the bunch start getting sentimental, so while they are gazing into the distance and various other places you grab a candle and sneak off through the brush on all fours. As soon as you light the candle you dis- cover millions of insects of every (Continued on page 2+) The Complete Speechmaker A Manual of Elegant and Appro priate Replies for Every Occasion By S. J. Perelman On Being Offered a Nickel to Run Along and Be a Good Boy Reverse parents, friends, and neighbors: [ suppose you feel like Andrew Carnegie every time you yank a buffalo out of your pants and throw it to me like a fish to a seal. I've lived around this dive long enough to know that it’s pulling teeth for you to part with the rhino; the way you clutch your small change makes me_ think you'd keep your money rolled up in your handkerchief if you didn’t think people would laugh at you. But the point I want to make is this: you think this measly nickel you toss me is a gift or alms. Far from it, boys, far from it! What you're. really paying is hush money, whether you know it or not. If I wanted to open my chin and tell about the time I saw the iceman .. . (thanks, Ma) ... or the time the maid... (much obliged, Pa) . . . or the night Sis and that chinless wonder boy friend of hers... (attagirl, Sis, shower down), but you can count on my lips being sealed, guys. It’s a point of honor with me to keep quiet about things that don’t concern me— that is, if it’s made worth while. While I'm on the subject, I might say that in the future I'll expect a little more consideration around this rancho. I’m sick and tired of being shushed every time I pipe up at the table or when (Continued on page 31) relatives, comicbooks.com