Judge, 1927-02-19 · page 21 of 36
Judge — February 19, 1927 — page 21: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains a humorous short story by S.J. Perelman (bylined "Perelman") about a game between the narrator and "Schmoltz," apparently a porter or train employee. The men play a tickling/searching game earning points toward a prize—a rubber ball for the narrator's nursery. The humor relies on absurdist comedy: an adult obsessively competing with a worker over an elaborate point system, with emotional stakes (the porter cries when outwitted). The joke's appeal lies in the narrator's earnest enthusiasm for something trivial. The page also includes three small comic strips at bottom showing a silhouetted figure humming near buildings ("Just a Song at Twilight," "When the Lights Are Low," "An' th' Flickering Shadows Softly Come an' Go"), depicting someone crooning while conducting some unspecified activity—the humor apparently deriving from juxtaposition of romantic song with mundane reality. Additional proverbs/aphorisms fill remaining space, typical of Judge's satirical format. The overall tone is whimsical rather than political.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JUDGE “Fire when ready, Schmoltz!” Well, he searched my overcoat pockets and then my jacket; then he looked through my wallet; then he took off my shoes, but he still didn’t find it. At one time I had to speak harshly to him for tick- ling, so we put a penalty of five points on tickling. But after ten minutes of continued searching he gave it up. “I think you're only fooling!” "Il just bet you haven’t 3 50 the re. med, hurt, » you don’t mean that?” I’m sorry I said it,” he confessed, hanging his _ head. “Only I was so disappointed—” ow, now, that’s all right!” I said; hastily. “I’m not really an- gry, only funning. But I ticket and you shall see it.” I reached in my left trouser cuff and brought it out. The poor boy smiled through his tears when he realized how I had outwitted him. By this time the train was just pulling in, so I said. “Now, Schmoltz, don’t sulk. After all, what’s ten points? I'll see you on the five-twenty!” I looked back and there stood the faithful creature waving to me as I walked up the platform. Now I look forward to the trip ery morning and night; I even h myself eday-dreaming at work about it. Schmoltz has 430 points now and I have almost 1,000. One night Schmoltz was not on the train due to illness and “Of all the dirty rotten luck! Ten houses, and not one of ’em with a mauve bridge-lamp like my wife wants!” terrible three-quarters of put most of the time I am breathless with excitement. We are both eager to win the prize we have set for ourselves; the first one to reach 1,500 points wins. Shall I tell you what the prize is? It is a great big rubber ball to romp with on the lawn or for play indoors in the nursery. Don’t you envy us? Perelman Bad It takes nine tailors to make a man—and one-third of them get paid for doing it. Best NG WHEN HE LIGHTS | [AN tH FuicKiane at sRneiGHt ARE LOW Nabow, esau All play and no work takes AN GO. jack. comicbooks.com