Judge — December 25, 1926 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE Rules for Bridge Conscripts These simple rules were formulated by the husband of a bridge-playing wife who insisted on drafting him to fill in. If followed, they are guaranteed to cure such wives. uLe 1—Count your cards. If you have more than twelve and fewer than fourteen, bid five no trump. You won't make it, but you'll never be invited to play again. Rule 2—After shuffling, place the cards on the floor. Place your right foot on them. If the host can’t find another deck, the game will be called off. Rule 3—When in doubt as to what to play and as to what it’s all about, shut your and play a card. If your partner leaps at you and bites you, he or she is no gentleman or lady, as the case may be. Rule 4—Always play through strength into weakness or vice versa. If the lady on your left has eaten a garlic salad you may change your seat. Rule 5—When you realize that you are about tobe completely sunk, elevate your nose, sniff three times and announce that something is burning in the kitchen. In the en- suing lull kick out one of the table legs. This is always good for an out. Rule6—Duringthe inevitable post- mortem held after each hand, light a cigarette and drop the lighted match Butiter—You rang, sir. New Ricu—Yes, Jenkins. Just listen to Mr. Deadbean’s hunting story while I go to bed. foal, “This time I'm rl car) | ' rying to find a clean play on A glutton for punishment. in the lap of the lady on your right. Rule 7—When you have forgotten what is trump, take a pair of dice from your pocket and roll them on the table. If any of the players offer to fade you, you may be able to start acrap game. If they offer to assassin- ate you, that is your fault for ever mixing with a bevy of bridge bugs in the first place. Rule 8—Upset your glass of gin on the cards just as the deal is being completed. If it knocks the spots off the cards, you get a fair delay while a new deck and a towel are being brought. Rule 9—Tell the lady on your left that you saw her husband feeding artichokes to his stenographer. If you can’t pronounce artichokes, tell her “anchovies.” Better make it a steak. You may be able to start a first-class family row in this way and provide a good out for yourself. Rule 10—Arrange with the Pro- hibition outfit in your town to make a raid just as the game is starting. They'll do anything for This is almost always a sure out. Ed. J. LaBarge nd F the Greek restaurant menus were printed as the smart vaudeville boys would have it: Wegetable Zoop Peeckles Huss Reddish Rust Biff Mesh Pututters Bins Frooit Sillid Rolls or Butter Tuss Upple, Pitch or Stromberry Pie Kupperkoffee Hilton Butler comicbooks.com