Judge, 1926-12-25 · page 13 of 38
Judge — December 25, 1926 — page 13: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Analysis for Modern Readers This is a humorous story by S.J. Perelman about a burglar ("Nifty Joe") who breaks into an apartment and encounters a well-dressed man—but discovers the man's fashionable appearance is entirely fake. His clothes are held together with safety pins, his shirt is replaced by a "dickey" (false front), his tie is partially clipped off and pinned as a pocket square, and his shoes have holes where feet should be. The satire mocks 1920s-30s fashion pretension: wealthy men who dress expensively to appear successful despite financial ruin (likely referencing post-Depression economic anxiety). The well-dressed figure represents hollow materialism—all facade, no substance. Joe, a hardened criminal, is so moved by this man's desperation that he leaves money for new clothes instead of robbing him. The joke's irony: even a thief has mercy for someone faking respectability so pathetically.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JUDGE What the Well-dressed Man Will Wear EMEMBER “Nifty Joe” Nevins? The gent who turned the Schmaltz Silk Mills job and got twelve years up the river for it? Poor Joe! He was a hard-hearted guy, I know; but before he took the trip up the foam, Joc told me a story. This is it. He was doing second-story work one time in a swell neighborhood up- town. He had just got into ,a apartment that promised fich ‘pick- ings and was looking over the layout when he heard somebody at the door. Joe never let any wheat grow be- tween his feet and in a minute he was behind a curtain with his gat ready. The light goes on and there’s this natty gent rigged out in a per- fect black overcoat with a velvet collar and hard hat. The guy stands in the middle of the floor pulling off his gloves while Joe de- cides to wait and see what happens. Joe never was a fashion plate him- self but he knew the goods when he saw it. The clothes-horse looks himself over in a mirror before he starts taking off his coat and Joe notices that he don’t make any move to start throwing stones at himself. While Joe is looking the guy ove he notices that he’s wearing these half rubbers, and Joe was sure it wasn’t raining when he came in. Well, the fella takes off his overcoat and turns his back to Joe; and poor “Some labor-saving device, Virginia.” “Not so hot—I gotta wind the clock every eight days Joe almost threw a kitty when he sees a patch as large as a pillow in the seat of his pants. ‘Then he turns around facing Joe and he sure was a fancy bit of gent’s wear; he looked like'a floorwalker off for the day. Everything on him matched; his tie and his pocket handkerchief was exactly alike and Joe starts putting down a few notes on his cuff. Next thing the guy slips off his jacket and ke as you drunk Tam.” Joe had another shock. The guy was wearing-a dickey instead of shirt. A minute later he had took off his tie and Joe saw that one whole end of it was clipped off short. Then, a second later, he sees why; the gent had pinned the piece he cut off the tie in the pocket of his jacket, so no wonder they matched. By this time Joe was beginning to feel sort of dizzy. The guy kicks off his rubbers and then his shoes and Joe why he There w in the sees wears the rubbers. ere two holes like half dollars of the shoes. Joe watches fascinated and when he sees they ain’t no feet in the guy’s socks, that was the last straw and he passed out cold. soles When he come to, the guy was in his bathrobe and was just heading for the door. Ten minutes later the guy came back in the room and saw a note pinned to a ten-spot on the dresser. It said, “Here. Take this and buy yourselves some clothes; T ain't got the heart to rob you.” And it was signed “‘Santy Claus.” Perelman sae Everything you say to a woman, will be used against you. comicbooks.com