Judge — November 20, 1926 — page 21: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

bs MEA 2 JUDGE A Better Mousetrap Visor Vitarnisnkt, holding in his right hand a small flask, leaned from the window of his labo- ratory. Directly beneath the win- dow a Siberian camel was drinking from a rain barrel. Vladimir allowed three drops of the sparkling, color- less fluid in the flask to trickle into the barrel. Two minutes later the camel died. Howling with delight, the inventor skipped back into his laboratory and poured several drops of the liquid into a gas bomb. Then he dragged a bomb-thrower to the window, aimed it at a herd of cattle on a mountainside five miles away and let fly. Two minutes later the last cow had kicked the bucket. Vladimir burst into song. His wife’s copper washboiler, hanging by the rain barrel, next caught his eye. He sprinkled it (the boiler, not the eye) with his invention. The stuff ate through the heavy copper like rejection slips through the heart of a young author. Two minutes later the boiler was a sieve. Vladimir leaped from the window and danced to the edge of the cliff on which his hut was built. At the base of the cliff, far, far below him, stood a lordly castle. He tossed the flask over the cliff. A flash followed, a puff of smoke and an explosion that shook the entire mountain. The castle was blown to smithereens. Judge Nominates for the Hall of Fame SOLOMON Because he did not model his famous temple en the Yale Bout; because, though possessor of the highest hat in history, he wasn’t; because, by a total abstention from income tax publicity and dry legis- lation, he gained an eternal rep for exceeding wisdom; but most of all because the “Song of Songs,” popu- larly attributed to him—and the greatest lyric hit of the ages—con- tains not a single reference to moons or mammies. Villainishki was now satisfied that his invention was perfect. It was the most potent poison in the world, the most powerful explosive, blended with an acid that would eat through the hardest metal. So he put his extra pair of socks in his pocket and went out to sell it (the invention, not the socks) to a gov- ernment. Years and years and years passed away. All the governments in the world turned him down. His inven- tion was too barbarous, too ruthless, too horrible to be used for war. Foot- sore, weary, heartsick, discouraged, the poor inventor came back to his little hut in the mountains with the intention of drowning himself in the Vodka. Motorist’s Primer THE MECHANIC Did the mechanic find much trouble when he took down the en- gine? Yes, the mechanic found $262.71 worth of trouble when he took down the engine. What did he find broken in the engine? The mechanic found that the en- gine had a broken spark plug. It was this very idea that gave him the big idea. That night he and his wife packed up their things in the old copper sieve that was once a boiler. They came to America and rented a ga- rage. Here Vladimir began manufac- turing his own invention. He put it on the market at $40 a quart, and the world beat a path to his garage door. He is now a millionaire bootlegger. Asia Kagowan = * + FROM OUR BOOK, “1001 | NEEDED INVENTIONS” Basks A for a match. A passes matchbox to B, first shaking same | to ascertain if there are any matches in it. B, receiving matchbor, also shakes same to make sure that there are matches in it. B extracts match and uses it. B shakes bor again to be certain that she has left some match back to 2 in it, and passes bor , who shakes it again before putting it into his pocket. Now, the above process takes place all over the United States ex- actly 181,000,000 times every day. 386,000 horsepower is thus gener- ated daily by constant agitation of matchbores. But this power is all wasted. How to utilize it—how harness it to a useful commercial purpose? Devise a method of achieving this end, and MAKE YOUR FORTUNE! A Brilliant Trader I HAVE bought five dollar watches during the past twelve months, and the main spring broke in each one shortly after the purchase. In each instance I took the watch to a watch repairer who, after putting in a new mainspring, would inform me that the cost was $1.50. “But I only paid a dollar for the watch,” I would say He would reply: “Well, we can’t help that. We charge $1.50 for putting in a new main spring.” Whereupon I would say: “Well, what will you allow me for the watch?” He would look at the watch carefully and say, “‘seventy- five cents” Then Ilwould give him seventy-five cents more, he would keep the watch, and the bill would be fully paid. You see otherwise I would be pay- ing him $1.50 when I could buy a new watch fora dollar, I bought the sixth watch to-day. William Sanford comicbooks.com ~