Judge — September 11, 1926 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Ilow to Raise Children I 1 to raise his children is quite a little problem with the parent these days. One good way, when the child holds two jacks and two queens, is to have three aces in your hand. You then say. “I see yon and raise you two chips, you bobbed- haired little skeezicks!” For the very young child alligator mill is not vised as it is apt to produce scales on the epidermis. Another good reason for not feeding the child alligator milk is that alli- gators do not give milk. Speaking by and large and as one parent to another I may say that alligators not only do not give milk but do not give much of anything else, not even a cuss. For the very young child cow's milk should be used, the milk being inserted into the child at the opening in the face where the teeth will be later. If difficulty is found in finding this opening a pin can be stuck into the child almost anywhere and the face will open and noises will issue forth. The noises can then be laid to one side and the milk poured into the opening. Tt is best to secure the milk from a rusty-red cow. ‘The rusty-red on the cow is caused by iron in the sys- tem and a portion of the iron trickles down into the milk and thence into the child, causing rich red blood. Do not use milk from a pale cow or the child will be pale and cosmeties will have to be resorted to. The typical New Yorker de For twins two cows are necessary and a red ribbon should be tied ound one cow and a blue one around the other, thus avoiding the serious calamity of getting the milk mixed and thus feeding this milk to that twin and that milk to this twin, or vice versa, as the ease may be. Tf two cows cannot be obtained one twin can be given to a neighbor. Never mingle the milk from two cows together as this er cheese. If the child) seems aniwmic try the milk of a calf and if all else fe For female children the milk of the: ates cottage fails goat's milk should be given. female goat is the best: for male children the best milk is that of the female goat also. Be careful not to a ad ee THE TAXI DE LUXE Taxt Driver—Which floor did you say, mam? PassenGer—Seventh, please. kles lo visit San Francisco. select a sour goat as sour goats give sour milk. Sour milk is the com- monest ise of rabies in small chil- dren, leading to octogenarianism and senile fundamentalism. If these ap- with some good insecticide, given a pear the child) should be. spre fresh coat of varnish and the spark plug: examined. At about four years the child's education should be | should be gun. and it aught bridge, mixing the simpler cocktails, rudimentary neck- the commoner Charleston. steps and some of the more useful slang. It should be shown a frankfurter while the words “Hot dog! Hot d are repeated. In an amazingly sh time the child will have a vocabu- lary fitting it to mingle in what is now called Society, God help us! Should the child about this time seem to develop any of the finer instincts these should at once be removed with a corkscrew and the vacuum thus created should be filled instantly with Baceardi rum. In bathing the child a porcelain tub should be used and this should be filled with wine. Until the child is two years qld root beer may be substituted for the wine, but 30 per cent. of wood alcohol should be used with this. If these directions are followed the child, whether male or female, will grow up into a strong, virulent man or woman able to cry “Shorter and thinner skirts!” and dance on tables. All that need be done then is send the child to college and arrange with some good trust company to furnish bail when required Ellis Parker Butler comicbooks.com ee nar