Judge, 1926-06-19 · page 17 of 36
Judge — June 19, 1926 — page 17: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This story satirizes early 20th-century advertising's invasive reach. Abner Johnson, a sinner with minor moral failings (robbing a bank, setting an orphan asylum fire), arrives at heaven's gates. St. Peter dismisses these transgressions as trivial. Instead, Abner is denied entry because he failed to patronize advertised products during life—he didn't buy specific car brands ("Fluky Four," "Velvet Six"), didn't live in marketed suburban developments ("Buckingham Hills," "Ozone Manor"), and wasn't buried in an advertised coffin brand. The joke: Heaven has been "taken over by the Interplanetary Associated Advertising Clubs." Eternal salvation now requires consumer loyalty to brand names, not moral virtue. The surrounding ads (pocket-picking lessons, Tycos thermometers, Speedex cameras, Ansco film) reinforce the absurdist point—even ridiculous products dominate the advertising landscape. This reflects genuine 1920s anxiety about advertising's growing cultural dominance and commercialization of American life.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
For Heaven's Sake BNER Jounson’s life had not been 99 44/100 per cent. pure. The had been some skidding and frequent | detours from the straight and narrow path—that famous one-way street to Immortali And then Abner died Our narrative opens with Abner’s anxioussoulen route to heaven. “Oh. that my sins have not been too many wailed the 100. per cent. spiritual Abner as he drifted, like a wisp of fog, toward the pearly gates which he reached at 8 a.m., Interplanetary equivalent to 9 a.m. Hades Daylight Saving ‘Tim How do you do,” said St. Peter, “have you looked at your garters this mornin, 1 Abner, “but I'll tell lip the Coupon to Social and Financial questioned St. Peter. cried the poor man, “but other man’s wife!” t’s nothing—did you ever try distance with a Fried-Ieeman Radio?” “No, but I robbed a bank,” wailed Abner. “That's of no account,” said the Saintly Custodian. | automobile did you dri “I drove a Fluky : “Ne d of Didn't you a ‘Velvet Six—Like Riding on Cushions of Air’ or a ‘Pulsing Pulser—From One to Miles | an Hour in Three Seconds “No, never,” wailed Abner, “but I | set fire once to an orphan asylum | “Trivialities—setting fires,” St. Peter. “Where did you resi “T lived in a flat in Brookly “In Brooklyn! Didn't you ever live in ‘Buckingham Hills—The Garden Suburb Within ‘Thirty | Minutes of Times Square’ or ‘Ozone Manor—Where the Kiddies Grow Up Strong and Healthy?’ ” No. “Were you buried in a ‘Capital Coffin—Your Bones Deserve One’ by ‘Hassenflug the Undertaker—I Make Dying a Pleasure?’ ” “Then I’m sorry to refuse you ad- mittance to heaven. We've been | taken over by the Interplanetary | Associated Advertising Clubs and admittance is granted only to souls who have patronized national adver- tisers while alive. This way out, please.” Arthur L. Lippmann me cO0erP ae £ was yard Well, its > worth | Wel Pri of that Tycos Mf to Know thep-f “Tf you havea sneaking notion that you are taking on m than the actual temperature justifies, Thermometer and set yourself right Well, that’s easy. Any dealer can supply you.” ep glimpse your Tyco: You haven't one !! $$ WIVES! LEARN POCKET-PICK- ING BY MAIL Easy quick method—start now! No special artistic ability needed. Learn at home in your spare time and practice on your friends and relatives. You can pick your husband's pocket adroitly after the first lesson! SSB NATIONAL SCHOOL OF POCKET-PICKING LIGHTFINGER, KAN. Load Your Camera with SPEEDEX-XX And enjoy your vacation! You'll see pretty pictures everywhere! ANSCO’S YOUR OLD MAN! comicbooks.com