Judge — January 2, 1926 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Eskimo (who has rented an apartment for the winter)—Minnie, we'll never be able to stand it. Meet Uncle Abner Mc Uncte ABNER was a far- +"* sighted old cuckoo. When the first horseless carriage came to our town he looked it over from a safe distance and said: “Dag nab it, son, the day'll come when them contrapshuns'll be so common you wont see a hoss pullin’ anything but a circus chariot, a junk man’s cart or an American Railway Express wagon.” Even before automobiles became popular he saw the trend of the times. His livery stable and feed store was the first in town to advertise winter hay. It was great stuff to get the horses started on cold morn- ings. “Just fill up your old nag with this he advertised, “Then give it a kick in the slats some cold morning and see how quick it gets going under full power and full of pep without a single balk or kick back.” It was his proud boast that his horses were “constantly improved, but no yearly model and “when better horses are built I will sell them.” He called his horses “Ab- ners,” and he would run ads show- ing pictures of other horses falling in front of trains or limping home on three legs. And under each of these terrible pictures he would say: “And then I got my Abner!” Abners were known as “to- morrow’s horse to-day” and each new one carried a sign tied to its tail: ‘Another Abner.” Even after autos became common, Uncle Abner, although he bought a car, always preferred horses. He was sort of absent-minded in his old age and it caused him a little trouble. He had a little trick of reaching up and grabbing a horse’s nose when it got fresh. Once when he was driving his flivver and ran out of oil, he got out to see what was the matter. The motor was hot and when he tried to crank it the dam thing kicked. “T'll teach you to kick me!” he shouted. He reached up to pinch its nose and burned three fingers on the radiator cap. Once in a while when he was rid- SEEI) - AMERICA WORST 10 U are now entering THE NEW YEAR ing some of the stock around the farm he would come to a hill and reach down and try to shift gears with one of the horse’s ears. He was absent-minded like that the day he was riding one of the mules and when he came to in the hospital the follow- ing day he said to me: “Son, I was never throwed out of that car be- fore. You'd better get a new set of springs that ain't so stiff.’ And he'd get twisted draining the crankcase and milking the cows. One day he got a five-gallon bucket of milk from our best Jersey and then poured three gallons of flushing oil into her left ear before she kicked him through the barn. He was sort of mixed up about cows, horses and cars until he died. He'd started for town in the flivver and reached a railroad crossing. ‘There was a debate: “Resolved, that the train probably is late, as usual, and you can make it easily.” Uncle Abner took the affirmative and lost. Something went wrong when he was on the tracks and instead of jumping out, Uncle Abner yelled: “Giddap, consarn ye! Move along!” and was reaching down for something to throw over the dashboard at the hood when the train arrived. I went out to the crossing after the funeral. All I could find was part of the left rear fender, but I shot that, because I knew he’d want me to carry out the illusion to the last. Chet Johnson Chal “Call me early, mother dear,”’ said the movie actress, “for I'm to be shot at sunrise.” G E> Oy KEEP TO THE TRITE! comicbooks.com