Judge, 1925-01-17 · page 21 of 36
Judge — January 17, 1925 — page 21: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three distinct pieces of satirical content: **"Crossword Bedtime Story"** (top): A humorous retelling of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" written entirely in unnecessarily complex, formal vocabulary—"plantigrade carnivores" for bears, "coarsely ground grain in water or milk" for porridge, "petite fille" for little girl. The joke satirizes verbose, pretentious writing and crossword-puzzle language by translating a simple children's story into incomprehensible jargon. The caption's quote about a "full-dress affair" suggests the pretension of formal dress. **Car cartoon** (middle-left): The caption questions why automatic stopping devices should be required for railroads but not for motorists—a period safety regulation debate. The illustration shows a car accident, mocking inconsistent safety standards. **"What He Got Out of Four Years of College"** (right): A satirical list itemizing what a college graduate actually acquires: fraternity pins, debts, a police record, slang vocabulary, but also "two dozen text-books, some of them slightly used"—implying students don't actually read assigned materials. This mocks the actual value of college education versus its reputation.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Crossword Bedtime Story OE upon a time in a place of abode or shelter located in a large’ compact. collection. of trees there existed with inherent powers a quarter dozen plantigrade with massive bodies and brief ap- pendages. Albeit predacious, they frequently enjoyed taking in as nourishment a certain food that is made by boiling carniv coarsely ground grain in water or milk (or both) until it assumes a con- siste y. This was always served, piping hot, in concave domestic ves- sels. One morming, while they were gone. une petite fille (withamassof filaments of a very precious and malle- sprouting from the outer covering of her cranium), who had been perambulating in the immediate vicinity, remarked the strange dom- ivile and entered it. Once inside, she was surprised to see upon an article of furniture, with a flat horizontal top, betweea two and four partially filled porringers. Not being bashful, she scated herself and promptly g of every one of them, When the plantigrade carnivores sorbed the contents with massive bodies and brief appen- dages returned and found that their nutriment had evaporated, were th You just’ bet they we: ‘They commenced to search high ¢ low for the impudent culprit. She was nowhere to be found. Goldilocks (for that was her name) had escaped! Robert Cyril O'Brien u If railroads are to be compelled to adopt automatic stopping devices, why not motorists? it, my dear, it’s a full-dress affair. is—to the point of bursting.” of College jeweled fraternity pins— ability to tell bootleg from ul prewar—a noble vocubulary of slang—five watch-charms—a light but imposing police record—severt hundred dollars worth of debts varsity letter—a_ superiority com- { — plex—a conversational line- ‘ tered roadster—a fur overcoat—a 2 little book full of telephone numbers —a poker f of knowing —a diploma—an air 1 about women—a yellow raincoat. Oh, yes, and about two dozen text-books, some of them slightly used. Fair weather friends keep a tight hold on their umbrellas.