Judge, 1924-06-07 · page 8 of 37
Judge — June 7, 1924 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Analysis of "Spry at Century Mark; Tell Secrets of Long Life" This Judge satirical piece mocks competing health fads of the early 20th century by presenting three centenarians offering wildly contradictory "secrets" to longevity. **The Satire:** John B. Swanbelly attributes his vigor to extreme asceticism: eating only raw onions and tree bark, sleeping on roofs, and crucially—*refusing to worry* by abandoning all responsibility for his family. The joke is that he achieved health through willful ignorance and abdication. Dolph Stiefelputz claims the opposite: constant drinking (wine, liqueurs, whisky), smoking since age five, and avoiding fresh air and water. His health supposedly thrives on indulgence and stagnation. A third centenarian, Honest Abel, simply replies "I don't know"—suggesting common sense trumps elaborate theories. **The Cartoon** (top) shows one character fleeing a giant woman, illustrating chaos and excess. **The Point:** Judge ridicules pseudoscientific health crazes and contradictory wellness advice of the era. Both extreme deprivation and excess claim success; therefore both are equally absurd.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“Whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad.” SPRY AT CENTURY MARK; TELL SECRETS OF LONG LIFE oun B. SWANBELLY, of 1040 Lovers’ Lane Esplanade, celebrated his one- hundredth birthday yesterday by giving a high-diving exhibition from the roof of the recreation pier. He after- wards defeated Killer Casey in a six- round bout. He then returned home and spent the remainder of the day riding his stationary bicycle, climbing trees, and exercising with the bar-bell. Asked for the explanation of his astounding vigor, he replied: “TI attribute my mental and bodily health to the fact that I have always taken good care of myself. I eat nothing but raw onions, tuberous roots, and the bark of young and tender trees. My diet contains over 85 per cent. of vitamines, hormones, calories, ogives, and lepidop- tera. I sleep on the roof, winter and summer, bathe in icewater, and adjust my spine daily by pounding it with a hammer. Above all, I do not worry. “When I was still a young man I found that worry about business and family cares was sapping my nerve force and reducing my chances of longevity. The problem of supporting my family occupied so much of my time and atte! tion that I could not give the proper care to my health. One day I woke up to myself; and as my son and daughter were then plenty old enough to work, I resolutely put all thought of business out of my mind. I successful in banishing business worry that soon I could not even remember what my busi- ness Was. “One day I started for the office: I was obliged to return; 1 could not find it. But the point is this: I did not worry; I merely laughed at my family’s conster- nation. To-day I do not know what My children and grand- children are always half sick, tired, worn- out and nervous, because they persist in was so worry means. 6 tormenting themselves about ways and means of keeping the family going; but I think they would tell you that "You “t worry Grandpa’! The other members of the Swanbelly houschold corroborated Mr. Swanbelly’s statement in every detail. DOLPH STIEFELPUTZ, of 999 Swamp- side Drive, was also one hundred s old yesterday: n-course dinne He presided at s at which he served of wines and liqueurs which he had put in the cellar on his twenty-first birthday. — Handsome were passed out and so did several of the guests. Following the dinner, the party adjourned to the “Paprika Babies Revue,” where Mr. Stiefelputz was cautioned by the ushers for yoo-hooing at the pony ballet. When asked for the secret of his long life, Mr. Stiefelputz issued the following statement: “In my opinion my constant good health has been due to my I began chewing tob: and since then I ha two plugs a day. It whisky before T cat almost vided it is fried. souvenirs regular habits. the age of five regularly chewed drink of pure and after everything, pro- I avoid drafts by never allowing the windows of my house to be every opened, and I am careful never to alter the temperature of the delicate pores of the skin by allowing them to come into contact with water. I avoid newfangled ideas about medication, exercise, and diet. Thus I lead a sane, regular life, in accordance with the wisdom of m) tors, and, though still a comy . young man, I expect to live as long as they did.” By an interesting coincidence, Abel Zippstarter, known as Honest Abel, of 25 Railroad avenue, also attained yester- day his hundredth year. He was asked, “To what do you attribute ing good health and vitality? He replied briefly, “I don’t know.” Morris Bisuor. yur surpris- Refreshing Modesty She loved dogs and was loyal to her last husband. Billy Burke, notorious bank robber. —The Detroit News. Mr. Burke, the “last” husband, evi- dently having been the originator of the phrase that every dog will have his day. tat WANTED — Hous ments, no children. ©. L. V UP, Florida, Orange Co., N. Y.—Ad in the The American Agriculturist. Now that science has triumphed in improving housekeepers to a state border- ing on perfection, attention will be tured to equipping cooks with anchors to induce them to stay put. comicbooks.com