Judge — November 10, 1923 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

STORIES TO TELL JUDGE pays $10 weekly for the best story rubs mitted for this page, and 85 for the accond beat. All others at regular rates.“ Original, un pub- lished: humorous stori re wanted. Ad dress “Stories to Tell Editor,” Judge, 627 Weat b3d Street, New York City. First Prize N OLD GENTLEMAN boarded a train in £% New York City, with the intention of going to Florida for the winter. When he heard the trainman announce, “All out for Indianapolis,” he began to feel worried; next he heard, “All out for St Louis,” and he began to weep, but when he heard, “All out for Kansas City,” he began to shriek. A kind-hearted woman had been no- ticing the increasing grief of the old gentle- man, and when he seemed — particularly distressed at the an- nouncement, “All out for Deny she thought it time for some one to take an interest. Stepping over to the old man, she asked: “What's the trouble?” The old gentleman looked at her in despair: “I'm on the wrong train for four days, already, ma’am, and still a- going!” Second Prize A rouse lawyer, in trying a case, be- L¥ came very much excited, and with many gestures and emphasis in pleading his case before the judge, stated: “Why, Judge, if L thought for one moment that my client was guilty, I would go out be- hind the courthouse and blow my brains out.” Judge, interrupting: “Just a minute, young man, just a minute! tainly flatter your marksmanship.” “O": Mr. Jones,” said Miss Dash the other day I saw an advertise- ment saying that you could furnish your home by soap premiums. Every time you buy a piece of soap you get a furniture certificate. Iam going to be married, and do you think I could get all my house furniture that way?” “Why, yes, Miss Dash,” replied Mr. Jones. had a friend who got all the furniture for a six-room house that way. The company only had to send him fur- niture for one room, the other five rooms were full of soap.” rnd if (ie TIRED Saturday night patron at the te lunchroom in Hicksburg had made up his mind to get some action. “Where's that coffee I ordered?” he thundered to the waiter. “Itll be here in just a minute now,” replied the waiter. “You sce it takes little longer to make it on Saturda nights.” is that?” “Well, we put in fresh grounds on Sundays, an’ long toward Saturday they kind of weak.” ttt se oTnerR day Mr. Abramson hap- pened to be walking through the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He no- ticed two boys standing before a painting of an archangel. “TL wonder if he can loop the loop,” said the first boy, pointing to the archangel’s wings. “Naw, of course not,” said the other boy. “Can't yer see he hasn't got_no motor.” sae “You CAN'T overestimate the in- telligence of a dog,” declared Colonel Spotswood Telfair of Mountain View, gazing reminiscently at his favorite hound engaged in snapping feebly at the pestiferous flies. “When Towser was in his prime he had an uncanny way of knowing in ad- vance the sort of game I was going to hunt. For instance, if I left the house carrying a rifle, Towser would dash for A SMOKE SCREEN It is rumored that the Navy team will use it against the Army in their annual combat. 8 the woods and trail nothing but squirrels. If I started out with a shotgun, Towser would trail nothing but rabbit “One day I decided to puzzle the old rascal, so L took down my fishing-pole and started to the river. It may sound preposterous, gentlemen, but when I got to the edge of the yard I found that derned dog scratching up fishing-worms for me!” sae WEDE purchased an auto and was n driving down the miles an hour. A poli at him to stop but instead of slow the Sv increased his speed. the officer finally caught up with him hi roared: “Why didn't you stop? Didn't you hear me holler back there?” Scemingly unconcerned the Swed replied: “Oh, vas dat you dat yelled? I thought it vas somebody T run over.” The Wreck (to substitute)—An’ be careful of that headguard, Bill. It’s my lucky one. toe J’ Biank was walking slowly down the street, his head bandaged and his blacked. “What's the matter?” ex- claimed a friend in surprise. “Been in an said Joe. “The other night Bill Smith was telling me some funny stories. Then he introduced me to a friend of his. After an awkward silencc T asked Bill if he knew any more jokes.” comicbooks.com