Judge — June 23, 1923 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

E WERE deported from Rome. We had spent a few days in the Eternal City, and I could restrain myself Normally Tam not given to hero worship. side to my nature which ae me to dis- I fear great no longer. There is a cynics count all that I hear and most of what I see. Tam, inclined to place more credence in the foibles of the than in their virtues. But Tam open-minded. Tl change my mind any time if fresh evidence is presented to me. And I had certainly my mind now. 1 seen the ruins of the Colosseum; we had looked at the remains of the Forum. And we had spent hours gazing with rapture at what was left of the famous Roman baths. I think that these appealed to me most of all, because they looked, for all the world, exactly like a dismantled brewery in Roxbury, Mass. Oh, we Americans have our traditions, too! We had seen it all. witnessed my enthusiasm grew. bought the biggest bunch of flowers he could make. took a taxi and drove to the tomb of Nero. Reverently I deposited my burden upon the top step of the a few people had been attracted by what an unusual action. A policeman came up He arrested me and I was And with each new object that we So I went to a florist and Then I mausoleum. Qu was, apparently, and accused me of blocking trafic. taken before a magistrate. “But there is some misunderstanding,” said the judge. “Not the sligh . L told him, “I've traveled forty- five hundred miles in order to see Rome. All my life T° heard about Rome. Worthy folk have informed me that is superior to Pittsburgh, Pa., that Bangor, Me., isn’t nearly so attractive. “['ve read Roman history: And now I have seen this grea mistake or misunderstanding. The magistrate smiled tolerantly. “But there must be, sinor.” he protested. “You have made an error. Nero was not one of our noble emperors. He was a very wicked He tried to burn the city down.” I wish to honor him,” and I've read your Roman poets. city. There isn’t the slightest man, “That's exactly why I retorted. “He's the only gentleman Rome ever produced. The one man whose gorge rose at the bunk propagated about this town.” ‘The judge rose and glared at me. “all roads lead to Rome!” “Signor,” he shrieked, T shook my head. “Your Honor,” T corrected him, “all roads lead away from Rome.” And so they deported us. Just in time, too, for the children, responding to my hero worship of Nero, were already beginning to play with matches. 0 WE went back to France. On the train the conductor came to me. “We are approaching Pisa,” he informed me. “Tn a few moments you will have the joy of seeing the famous leaning tower. People come from all over the world to see the tower.” So we looked out the windows of the train. And I wish to disclose the truth about the leaning tower of Pisa. I wish to million anxious Americans ‘This is an uncontroverti- inform one hundred and twenty that the leaning tower of Pisa leans. ble f No matter what any one tells you, that tower leans. It’s funny suspicious we Americans are. For ever so long reputable people have been stating that the tower leans, but Americans refuse to believe it. They travel, some of them, seven thousand miles to see for themselves whether or not the tower actually does lean. I don’t understand it. I was always ready to accept the testimony of various travelers in regard to the tower of Pisa. I believed that it leaned. Still, I suppose I do feel better because T have had the testi- mony of my own eyes. I not merely believe it, I know it. And so I add my word to the thousands of others who have given evidence in the matter. Yes, the tower of Pisa leans. to see it fall. Travel is a great thing. We Americans are so provinc that we think that we are superior to the rest of the world. For instance, we think that we are efficient. We point with And Europe laughs at us. It takes Europe sprinkles how And T wouldn® > a nickel pride to our bathrooms. a lot of water, soap and time to bathe. Think of it. Your European needs no expensive open plumbing. Give him a small bottle of cologne and he can do away with our expensive materialism. If they ever install baths in the homes of Europe the perfume nish. Perhaps I am. It is also vulgar not to bathe. Americans think that we are idealistic. It takes a European trip to inform an American that Europe is much more filled with idealism than are we. For instance, in Europe one learns the real truth about the late war. It happened like this: € ermany declared war on the United States of America. Belgium You'll have to lick me before you can whip Americ perfume on. itself. Germans would attack Amer- “What! Ye France will not permit i land said: “Our flect exists for one purpose: to protect: Ameri We will fight to save the daughter country.” And so they all went to war to save us. What a lot of ungrateful blackguards we are to let those noble idealists in Europe pay the bills for our war! Yes, Europe is much superior to America. I speak solemnly. I am not one to make rash statements. When I say that in every possible way the Europeans are superior to the Ameri- cans, I speak on the highest authority. I got it from the Europeans the And as it wasn’t told me in confidence I am able to print it here. selves.