Judge — May 19, 1923 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

~ ie “They say he’s a heavy drinker.” “What's his displacement?” The Way It Goes by William Sanford HE TOLD me she could never marry a man who smoked a pipe. It was so “smelly.” She told me she could never marry a man who liked pie. She thought pies were “dreadful” things. She told me she could never marry a man who didn’t wear tailor-made clothes and carry a walking stick on Sunday. She told me the man she married must have money, know how to dance nicely, and be good looking. She married a man who never smokes anything but a pipe and he has pipes in all of his pockets and smokes all over the house. There is nothing in the world he likes to eat better than pic. He eats half a one at a meal. He never wore a tailor-made suit in his life and money couldn’t hire him to carry a walking stick on Sunday or any other day. He has no money except his weekly pay envelope, and he knows nothing at all about dancing and thinks it’s a waste of time. He is strong and healthy, but not at all good looking. They have been married several weeks now and every time I meet her she h: that suffused look in her eyes, or whatev you call it, that they have in their eyes for a while after they're married, and she says to me. “Oh, Bill, you just don’t know how happy T am! Tom is just—just perfickly wonderful!” 2 Bachelor—One thing I don't under- stand about crying at weddings is that everyone cries but the person who ought to cry. Friend—And who is that? “The bridegroom.” Menu by Haines, Mess Caterer, Radio, Charleston, S.C. Fur eggs, boiled eggs, eggs on toast, Scrambled cggs, rotten eggs, fricas- ed, roast; Red yams, yellow yams, sweet potato pie, Irish spuds, with a half fry. Hot tamales, and Mexican beans, Dog meat, horse meat and turnip greens; Goulash, gumbo and Irish stew, Fried shrimp and stewed kangaroo. African buttermilk, watermelon cold, Spaghetti and prunes two months old; Boiled chicken, fried chicken, and lob- sters alive, Bumblebee honey fresh from the hive. Biscuits, hardtack, crackers and breads, Doughnuts, cookies, and fried cel heads; Turtle meat, shark, softshell crab, Jewfish, dogfish, catfish, and shad. Rattlesnake pudding and long-horned Shotgun salad with a little near-beer; Whisky, gin, coulyhou and rye, The last three we served are expected to die. Mississippi melons, and Georgia plum, Tennessee peaches, soaked in rum; Alligator pears, mangoes, and grapes. Georgetown cantaloupes and new corn flakes. Hot cakes, griddle cakes, fish in place of veal, Some Waldorf molasses that we had to steal; Radio sausage, and caribou steak, Please be careful or your jaws will break. Buttermilk, cornbread, pimento cheese, A football ration of monkey's knees; Graveyard rabbit, with hoot owl sauce, Chinese pheasant, but it sure does cost. Seven-sea salad, Turkish wine, Cornbeef sandwich dipped in bri Chewing gum, toothpicks, and bacon rind, Don’t forget to tip the waiter a dime. Agent—This memory system is just what you need, sir. Boss—You need it more than I do. You don’t even remember that you tried to sell it to me a month ago, and I had you thrown out of the office. 4