Judge, 1923-04-21 · page 7 of 36
Judge — April 21, 1923 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Page Analysis: Judge Magazine **"Onward Ho!"** is a satirical poem imagining Earth 500,000 years hence—a utopian future where climate change creates a tropical paradise. The satire targets early-20th-century anxieties: the poem mocks both socialist ideals (universal equality, no poverty) and contemporary consumer culture by imagining a world where wealth, labor, and social status vanish. The references to "Pussyfoots" (prohibition advocates), factories, and servant girls anchor it to the Progressive Era. **"How to Win a Husband"** offers tongue-in-cheek dating advice for women. The satire is clear: women must feign ignorance, flatter men's egos relentlessly, laugh at unfunny jokes, and accept being physically awkward with partners—essentially performing helplessness. The final lines mock this by suggesting actual force ("drag him...red-hot irons") might be necessary anyway. This reflects early-20th-century gender dynamics and marital expectations, satirizing both courtship conventions and the persistent male chauvinism underlying them.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Onward Ho! by R. Heywood Higgins HALF A MILLION years from now, A according to the furrowed brow Of fossil-seeking scientists of note, The world will have a change of clime, like in the mesozoic time And balmy breezes everywhere will float. cold and_ ice-ribbed arctic strand ill be a languid hu The summer resort trade will go to pot. At any place, so they confess, a leaf will be sufficient dress And less than that in places where it’s hot. The Aman can go if he so wish with just a pewter plate or dish And pick his luncheon right from off a tree! No grocery stores, no butcher shops, no cighty cents a pound for chops, And everyone can have a family. The girlie shows will go to rats; the same with furs and beaver hats; All dancing will be out upon the lea! We'll wear a string of beaded charms that dangle from beneath our arms; No clothing stores will mar the scenery. All social prestige’ will be nil; — the débutante’s début bill For models of exclusive furbclows Will be a pint of hand-picked plums which, gathered by her fapper chums, Will pay for decking her from head to toes. No office work, no factories, no servant girl detractories: No profitecring—there will be no rent! We'll sit beneath the waving palms and have no earthly woes or qualms; Nobody will be broke or have a cent! Those will be the lazy days—the drowsy, frowsy, hazy: days; No man will have what others cannot get. The Chink will kiss the Nippon’s cheek; the Turk will gambol with the Greek, And “Pussyfoots” will leave the world ‘0 wet! Ah! ere ripe. “How do you know that?” asked the grocer, ‘A little bird told me.” you sent me were very A blooming idiot who married a wall- flower is reported to have two daughters who are buds just coming out. Ph ad “Pshaw, dancing is only hugging set to music!” “Is that any drawback?” eee) The poultry experts announce that the hens of the country are all set for a big season, PEEPS INTO THE PAST. Egyptian home life—helping mother. Ilow to Win a Husband by Kitty Parsons BR open your mouth except to say Jh!” and “Ah!” and “Wonder- ful!” or “How clever! If by chance you happen to know something, don't let him suspect it. This would be fatal to your chances. Let him do all the talking—mostly about himself. Never introduce him to your lady friends, Always admire his good taste in neck- hes. Praise his keen sense of humor, espe- cially if he hasn't any. Pell him he is a wonderful judge of character. If he has no voice at all, encourage him to sing. Laugh heartily at all his poor jokes: never admit have heard them before. you If he walks on your feet praise his good dancing. When he two-steps to a waltz, enthuse over his marvelous sense of rhythm. If tall, tell him you adore big men, because you can look up to them. If short, admit you are always more comfortable with some one not too far above you. Smile when you are ready to shoot him. Above all, never admit that you can do anything; they like ’em helpless— before marriage. If all these things fail, then go into training for six months, grab him by the back of the neck, handcuff and blindfold him and drag him to some deserted spot in the country. Hold him between red- hot irons for at least fifteen minutes. If he will not then murmur: “I will” you may as well give up hope and begin work on a more promising subject; as a husband this man would be stubborn.