Judge — February 3, 1923 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

One Thing After Another by Walt Mason I ToLD some friends a while ago that I would buy a car; my old one bucked and rattled so it knocked my joints ajar. I little thought when thus I spake what trouble would ensue; next morning, ere I was awake, nine agents hove in view. Nine agents with their shining vans were parked before my gate, they had blue prints and charts and plans to show each bus was g They greeted me with iy smiles, these agents starry- eyed; “Get in and ride a hundred miles,” each fellow warmly cried. In vain I labored to explain that they had come too m; “Ldon't intend to buy a wain,” I said, “until next June. I lack the coin, my merry lads, to buy a car this day; next June I hope to | chase yourselves away. Alas, they wouldn't take the hint, they a ed and odsfished; they'd sell me cars of any tint on any terms I wished. All day they camped upon my trail and chased me up and down; and each re- hearsed his gaudy tale regardless of my frown. Day after day I saw them tread, remorseless, at my heels, and when at night I went to bed they still kept up their spiels. So I surrendered in the end worn out by all this fuss; I borrowed money from a friend, and bought myself a bus. [ mocenr my troubles all swere past when homeward I repaired, but morning saw me stand aghast—no agony was spared. For, standing round~ my » strangers were in view; ur,” they vow you full cover- » can be on bright and new, that car insured age is wise—and any dan cured before the carnage dric They drilled behind me, rod and pere they kept upon my path, they followed when I went to church, and when I took a Tommy — Mother, look, look the artists! Mother—Sh-sh! You bad boy. You do not know what you may come to some day. He presents his young wife with some skid chains bath, I had no chance to be alone, no comfort was in sight; they called me up by telephone and wirelessed me by night. This anguish, bitterer than sin, a fort- ht I endured, and then I called the in, and had the car insured. ow, by my halidom,” I said, “I hope that peace is mine; I hope that T can sleep in bed, and at my table dine.” ut in the morning when I rose and from my window looked, some four- teen salesmen, on their te horted and gadzooked. My fine new car would be a frost without air cushions on; with them attached (and hang the cost!) all bumping would be gone. My car had old time wooden wheels which no sport could de- according to one agent’s spiels, I needed wheels of wire. Most accidents are caused by rain which makes the wind- shield dim; I'd have to have a patent vane which would the moisture skim. A fire extinguisher of brass would bring my spirit peace, and dope which, added to the make the power in- crease T ‘ollow me by day and night, these gas, would fourteen tireless men; they hang around me as I write, and sing their song again they haunt me when I go to roost, and in the pallid dawn their divers thingmyjigs they boost, and never will begone. Who’s Who? CCosvensarioy of a couple of men who know but can’t place each other “Hello there.” “How’s th’ be (A nervous pause.) “Haven't seen you round lately.” "Sa fact.” (A nervous pause.) (A nervous pause.) “Don't get round much m’self.” “Same here.” (A nervous pause.) “Great ol’ days, weren't they?” 4 us pause.) Well, I gotta step.” Way of the World “Now, my dear, never let a man touch your lips who has touched liquor. “TIL promise, mother,” said the duti- ful daughter. “But most men seem to prefer the liquor.” Rad Howard—Who was Atlas? Jay—He was a ball-bearing chap, old thing.