Judge — December 30, 1922 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Douglas H. Cooke Ho t Keen J. A, Waldron William Morris Houghton EDITORIAL Happy New Year! UDGE wishes every reader a happy and prosperous New J Year, and to this he would like to see in 1923 the return of light wines and beer, the decline and fall of the Invisible Empire, the triumph of the Federal Budget Sy the reorganization of the Federal bureaus that) President Harding seeks; wise amelioration of the farmer's lot, the adop- tion of the eight-hour day, a bonus based on excise ta: ration of the tariff, direct participation by Unc m ing order out of European chaos, and the complete ratification of the Washington treaties. If wishes were horses he would have the New Year stocked like Max Oser’s livery stable. The Near Panic Tis abortive melodrama of which we write began as follows: ACT I. 1x Lonpon Enter George Harv his short pants and silk stockings. Ivanees to the footlights and blurts forth that for two rs Europe has been going to the dogs and that what the allied premiers decide to do about it at their forthcoming meeting may not be tolerated by the United States. (He is greeted from the wings with a mixture of foreign imprecations and horse laughter, the latter betraying an English accent.) Exit Marvey. Enter Ambassadors Houghton and Fletcher looking furtive A journalist darts from behind a prop and They start as if a ghost had Scexe—Somewnere and worried. addresses them by name. Exeunt gibbering. Unter the allied premiers for the “most critical world confer- ence since Versailles,” trailed by George Harvey wielding his ial lorgnette. Curtain. End of Act I. effect of this upon an audience of Americans can best gined when we tell you they began to believe that Harvey might stop “observing” and actually take sides in the conference. Hysterical protests came from the back of the house; muttered oaths rose in a sinister chorus; there was some handclapping by elements who looked pleased but scared. As the intermission continued the suspense grew. ‘Then the sound of wrangling from behind the scenes pushed the Whereupon there rose in his seat a her duster who was recognized management. There were shouts crowd toward panic. gentleman resembling a fe at once as belonging to th of “Hughes!” and “Beaver “Calm yourselves,” he commanded. “There is nothing to fear but the disruption of the Entente and the collapse of civilization. No such catastrophe as American participation in European affairs is contemplated. The foregathering of bassadors in London was simply for the purpose of replenishing their wardrobes that they may look on, when the dd crash comes, in faultless cutaways and spats.” The crisis passed. A sigh of relief passed over the house like a high wind. An attendant advanced before the curtain our a to announce that the second act would not be played before January 2; scene, Paris. Exit audience, receiving door checks. In the Farmer's Behalf UDGE agrees in principle with the program outlined J by Bernard M. I h for the benefit of the farmer. Briefly, he advocates a Federal scheme for enabling the farmer to borrow money in the world’s credit market; the co- operative marketing of farm products; attention to the trans- portation problem; and assistance by the United States in rchabilitating Europe. he last should be first. Instead of trying longer to bamboozle the back-bonehead of our country, with a tariff which discourages foreign trade and the foreign purchase of American produce; instead of holding aloof from any participation in European affairs which might check the present economic disintegration abroad, it is the duty of our Government to modify the tariff barrier and to intervene immediately in favor of a settlement of debts and reparations that will promote the peace and prosperity of our foreign customers. If the Farm Bloc can and will jolt it into such action, then Junce will procure himself a pedigreed hayseed and wear it in a locket next his heart for the remainder of his days. Slogans and Slugs TE Ku Klux Klams complain that there exists in this untry a seeret Catholic organization whose members greet e: other with “Hello, Mac!” the “Mac” standing for “Make America Catholic.” JupGe begs leave to doubt the fact, but t is beside the point. The Ku Klux, in conse- quence, has adopted as a high sign, “Hello, Kap!” the “Kap” standing for “Keep America Protestant.” So far it has been our observation that Catholics sought to make America Catholic by the simple expedient of bringing into this world as many children as they could and rearing them in the faith. It is a method that takes courage and in- finite patience, but it is hardly unconstitutional, except in the physical sense, and to judges like the late T. R., it is highly commendable. If the Ku Klucksters advocated the same measures in retaliation there could be no serious quarrel with their program, however we might deprecate the further multiplication of Robots and Babbitts. A Tip to Detroit HANKS to Senator, formerly Mayor, Couzens, Detroit | has a splendid municipally owned railway system. All he needs now is a new me who is an engineer, to run it. Jetroit ought not to elect a professional politic as Mayor,” says Henry Ford, “‘as the mayoralty of this town is largely an engineering job. Henry has put his index fin ipal ownership. Votes elect mi know how to get votes; that's th r profession. not even Detroit engincers. Like most other burgs in this burglorious land, Detroit is much more likely in the long run to specialize in the kind of mayor that presided over one of the Ohio cities inundated by the disastrous floods of 1913. Here was an emergency de- manding engineering ability of a high order. Evidently the gentleman in question recognized the fact because as the yellow flood waters swirled down Main street and lapped greedily at the second story of the city hall he proceeded to get drunk, and he stayed drunk until the flood had subsided and the committee of citizens in charge had done all that could be done to restore order and bury the dead. Of course, it isn’t every mayor that has the decency to render himself drunk and harmless when the job gets beyond him. Detroit is in a fortunate geographical position in this respect. We advise her to keep her communications with Canada open and maybe she can save her municipal street on the carbuncle of munic- Professional pol ns Engincers, as a rule, do not railway system.