Judge, 1922-10-21 · page 7 of 36
Judge — October 21, 1922 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# "Words of Great Men" — Judge Magazine Satire This page satirizes prominent public figures through mock first-person statements. **J. Bryan** (William Jennings Bryan, three-time presidential candidate) rails against Darwinism—a real controversy of the era where Bryan famously opposed evolutionary theory. **Ex-Kaiser Bill** (Germany's deposed WWI emperor) boasts of literary success despite his fall from power, mocking his attempts at relevance post-abdication. **Jack Dempsey** (heavyweight boxing champion) defends his acting career against critics demanding he return to fighting, reflecting 1920s celebrity culture tensions. **Old Bill White** appears to reference criminal justice concerns. The center illustration shows a film director at a newspaper desk—a visual pun on "The Movie Director on the Copy Desk," satirizing Hollywood's influence on journalism through elaborate mock credits listing absurdly incompetent staff (names like "Steele Stupid," "Virgil Vacuum"). The joke: modern media's theatrical pretension and declining standards.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
a Words of Great Men by Walt: Mason J. BRYAN: Behold my dome, \ V its Grecian shape, then say: my * forbear was an ape! This Darwin stuff gives me a pain; no delegate and sane who with the Darwin hunch agrees: our parents didn’t live in trees, nor were they dangling by their tails from limbs that teetered in the gales, Against such bunk I set my face; I stand up for the human race. I do not care s safe what savants say when they dig knee- joints from the clay; or when they bring, with nerve and gall, old bones from far I do not care what skulls fa ny Neanderthal. they spring, they can’t convince me th Old Adam, on his Eden and Eve, with all her grace and charm, they were the parents of us all; and I will stand in tent or hall, and lecture on this theme of themes, and show that Darwin is, in any town that treats claims are d me right, and pays two hundred bones a night. QYX-KAISER BILL: You cannot keep ‘4a good man down; when I still wore my stovepipe crown, and ruled a realm that’s gone to sced since I was canned ‘kersneed, men used to say that all h was based upon my” princely “If he were forced like other men nd earn the shining yen,” in jealons y used to shriek, “he wouldn't arn ten marks a week. He couldn't his pork and beans; his brains all run to whiskerines.” I knew they panned me all the time; but in my majesty sub- lime, beneath my country's noble flag, 1 did not stoop to chew the rag. And then 1 fell from high estate; from crown and throne TI pulled my freight. But T have shown I'm not all in; new triumphs still I seek and win; this hand that held the scepter once is not the mauley of a dunce. Now as an author I have fame; T beat the writers at their game! The highest price man ever drew for any book is mine—hurroo! Not Harold Bell nor Bertha Clay nor Sinclair Lewis knows such pay! And yet detractors used to think I was a poor upholstered gink who couldn’t pull the rubles down if I were shorn of throne and crown! ACK DEMPSEY: My friends have ceased to be polite; they ask me why I do not fight. They say that actors so abound there always is a bunch around; and orators, on every shore, have grown so thick they are a bore; T ought to quit such grafts, they say, and scrap the golden hours away. And it is always thus, by Jings; when one would rise to higher things, the groundlings cry, “Get back to earth, and give us all our money’ worth!” I envy Mary Pickford’ f: and I admire Bill Bryan's game, and I would walk with them apart from vulgar herds, in realms of Art, but people josh me day and night and ask me why I do not fight! To me the reason’s amply clear!— I loathe the prize-ring atmosphere. and snic C LD BILL WHITE: If I must lan- guish in a jail, what did our fathers’ deeds avail? Of what good use was alley Forge, our triumphs over fat King ge? And Gettysburg was but a frost with all its frightful toll and cost, with all its swords and leaden hail, if I am cooped up in a jail. In vain did stately John L. fall, when Corbett punched him through a wall, in vain did Jess o'erwhelm the dinge if T must in a prison cringe. The ery of freedom’s flat and stale, if T must serve a stretch in jail. ee The Movie Director on the Copy Desk (Reported by: Benny Blank) (Written by Ike Imbecile) (Edited by Samuel Simple) (Headlines by Harold Halfwit) (Personal Direction of Tom. Tippler, Managing Editor) (Linotype Work by Steele Stupid) (Proof Read by Virgil Vacuum) (Make-up by Danny Dumbbell) (Stercotyping by Sammy: Sapp) (Press Work by Perey Persimmon) (Art Work by Larry Languid) (Newsprint by Chargem Paper Company) (Ink by Gray Gravel Company) (Distributed by Union News Company) (Approved by Banner's Editorial Council) (Copyright, 1922) Mayor John FP. Hylan left last night for Palm Beach, Fla., where he will spend a short vacation, He expects to he back at his desk in the City Hall before the end of next week. The Mayor said he had no statement to make before leaving the city. Indirect Lighting a