Judge — August 26, 1922 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

nee a oe eS | Stories to Tell JUDGE pays $10 weelly for the best story submitted for this page, and $5 for the second best. All others at regular rates. First: Prize CLERGYMAN was having tea 4 with a family newly settled in On the sideboard were several decanters, filled with what looked like spirits. “My friend,” he said to his hostess, “You should avoid even the appear- ance of evil. Ido not suggest that you drink, but—" « “Why, Vicar, theyre only: filled with furniture polish, It’s the canters [ like, they're so pretty. “Exactly,” said the Vicar, even the appearance of evil, I peat. I helped myself to a dri from the big decanter in the middle.” his parish. sot Second Prize *PHEY were expecting an addition to the family, and the daughter, aged ten, was sent to the country to stay with relatives. Johnny, aged nine, ned When the new had ace, Johnny's father m to his little daugh- announcing that on her return home she would find a new brothe: riting her. The father gave two dollars to Johnny to send the telegram. When Johnny returned, he handed his father a dollar and sixty cents change. “How is th usked the father. “Your te it down and saved you money, Johnny. “What did you say in the tel at home. made its am was too long and T cut replied ‘Susie Smith, Bingville, I win, it's a boy. am. It rei O.: ‘Dear $ Johnny.” ” SAM, looking very disreputable and y much as though he had been by something, sorrowfully appeared Tn a stern voice the looks as though you “hit before the judge. judge said: “*Sar » drinking ag um replied, very weak and mournfully, “Yes, sah, dat was sho’ pow’ful stuff what Ah had, j Ah was drinkin’ dat er n hoote! shicken hootch? Why, I never heard of that.” wel icken hootch. One sah, jedg drink and you lay. N ENGLISHMAN visiting a friend in 1 suggested one morning shortly after his arrival that they take a stroll to a mountain visible from his friend’s home. With much secret mirth, his host agreed, but after walking several hours, the shman was amazed to find the mountain seemingly no nearer. Upon inquiring how far the mountain was from them, he was astounded to learn that it was still twenty-five miles away. His host then explained to him that the air in Nevada is so rare that distances are very deceptive. Returning home by 2 different route, they came to an irrigated ield, and at the first irrigation ditch the glishman sat down, and to his host's began to remove his shoes. “What on earth are you going to do?” he asked. The Englishman, gravely contemplat- y. I'm going ing the ditch, replied, “W to swim this blooming rive ata SAM was a colored porter in a large DV hotel. One day he approached. his employer with a request for a position for his brother down in Tennessee. Hav- - ing secured it, in due time the broth arrived. He was several shades darker n Sam, and his employer’ remarke am, your brother is rather dark, isn’t He sure am,” replied Sam. “He's so black dat down home in. Tennessee de itenin’ bugs follow him aroun’ all ‘cause they think he’s night.” rd SIGHTSEEING visitor, touring the £% City of Washington, D. C., was being towed about by a_ nati were standing on Pennsylva nue await- ing a car. The abbreviation “Pa ave.” was on the lamp-posts. Asked the stranger, “Why do you Washingtonians name your finest “Pa avenue’? Such a queer name Answered the native dry Washington was the Pa of his country.’ ey N OLD darky, who delivers groceries for a small store, owns a horse and on and also a motor truck. _ Instead of using the truck, as most people would suppose, he uses the wagon. A customer asked the old fellow one day why he did not use the truck, where- upon he replied: “Well, sah, de truck she use feed only when she workin,’ an’ de feed all de time, workin’ or not.” hoss ea 11 Original, unpublished humorous stories only are wanted. [" WAS a sunny, lazy day in June. The streets of the little Alabama town were nea deserted. Along the side- walk there strolled a courtly gentleman in the frock coat and wide-brimmed hat of the Southern colonel. A shifty-eyed darky, much the worse for bootlegger stuff, shambled along in the opposite ‘As the two passed the darky ily and drunkenly to the colone outa ma way, yo’ pore white trash, I’se a mean nigger.” They buried the darky the next da down in the little cemetery by the river. At the trial of the colonel the jury de- ed for two entire minutes. Then they filed in and announced that they had reached a verdict. ‘The judge called for their verdict. The foreman of the jury arose and in a calm, unperturbed manner, spat in the trest cuspidor, Suicide,” he said. direction. lib od S a reward for being a good boy, Mrs. Levinski took little Sammie to the new opera house which had recently become a brilliant addition to the small town. As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Sammie became greatly ex- cited over the gesticulations of the or- chestra conductor. “What's that man shakin’ his stick at her for?” he demanded indignantly. “Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at her.” But Sammie was not convinced, “Then what in thunder’s she yellin’ about?” sat APROLON: ED wail and the sound of bumping down from step to step proclaimed disaster. At the foot of the stairs the mother picked up her precious four-year-old, and asked how it hap- pened. “One foot stepped on nothing,” was his tearful reply. st “Why don’t you go to work?” queried the kind lady as she handed the genteel- looking road-tramper a second piece of her quarter of an inch thick lemon pie. “Work doesn’t bring me anything, ma’am,” sighed the man. “I worked night and day for three years and didn’t cent.” at were “Writing s ou doing?” she as! arios,”” he answered. comicbooks.com