Judge — July 1, 1922 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Mother, I do wish you wouldn’t sweep so vigorously! ing to blow smoke-rings?” Showing Herbert How by Gardner Rea ‘H ELLO, old chap,” I said, as I overhauled Herbert and fell into step, “why so despondent? Glorious as a lily of the field—the ex-long-haired sex fluttering all about—and yet—” From his great, collie-puppy eyes Herbert gazed at me wistfully. Pa- thetically, My heart was touched. “Come, Herbert, out with it!” I said encouragingly. “What's amiss? Or is it a missus? Just lost your last penny in a gum machine?” “However do they do it?” sighed Herbert plaintively. “However do—” “Oh, the mechanism is really very simple,” I said lightly. “From the moment your penny enters the upper slot—” “However,” continued Herbert mourn- fully, “do these Lotharios and Don Juans and Landrus manage their stuff? And where do they get the nerve? Why, a girl just acts on me like novo- caine! However do they—” “My dear lad,” I broke in master- fully, “you're in luck, meeting me this way. Of course, I may not be quite up to the record of the three home-run kings you mention. As they're exceed- ingly dead, we'll never be able to test that out. Nevertheless, I don’t mind saying—” Modestly I left the remainder of my sentence in the air, and smiled remi- niscently. Herbert regarded me with unconcealed envy. “All one needs,” I went on cheerily, “is an ice pick. Once the gelid casing of formality is broken, the rest is easy. In fact, from that moment, lovely woman herself carries on. Nature has endowed her with such marvel- ously restless vocal chords, merely to that great end. In which, Herbert, she interestingly resembles our before-mentioned gum machine. The instant—” “Yes, I suppose so,” interrupted Herbert bewilderedly, “but yet I don't just see how a penny or an ice pick—” “Of course,” I said pityingly, “I spoke figuratively. In our present problem such symbols give way to the logus. The open sesame. Le mot juste. To put it vulgarly: the snappy, compelling phrase hot off the bat. It’s all in the way you step up to them and whirl the propeller of conventionality, so to speak. Start it with a whizz, and you're off!” “Yes, it’s very well to talk about it in that experienced, vague manner,” sighed Herbert. “It all sounds fright- fully convincing, I'll admit. But how does that help me? Practically, I mean? Drawn by S. H. Rursenserc. Can’t you see I'm try- “Take that fur-smothered little queen up in front, for instance,” he continued wistfully. “What—just what—would Isaytoher? And exactly how should I say it? I can't simply grab her by the arm and tell her how her soup- bowl hair cut reminds me of when I was a boy—and wouldn't she love to make mud pies with me? No, mere vague talk. “Herbert,” I said reproachfully, “such utter lack of faith is unkind. However, if your feeble comprehen- sion must have a working example, it shall have it. Watch me!” Tilting my panama a bit more rak- ishly over my brow, I swung into third speed. Ina few moments I had over- hauled my quarry, with the eager Herbert clinging close at my heels. Caressingly, familiarly, I touched her on the shoulder. “Why, hello, darling,” I said cheerily, “this is a surprise!” And as she started to turn, I followed through swiftly. “Oh, I beg pardon,” I mur- mured, smiling; “of course, I thought you were my wife, you know!” To my amazed discomfiture, she drew back with a timid little gasp of fear—and then screamed. In an in- stant Herbert had bounded past me and tucked her hand protectingly under his arm. “Now,” said he, turning on me fiercely, “as for you, you low he-vam- pire, get! And stay got. This lady is with me!” SAD The Christian reads from left to right, -way other the quite Hebrew The Perhaps ’tis better, or they might «day some blows to come and Meet LESSER HEROES OF '76 The Colonial who secured the pen with which the Declaration of Independence was signed. 4