Judge — June 3, 1922 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Patent It Yourself By GarRDNER REA OULD you like toinvent? Do you clip from the technical magazines—and wear next to ur wistful heart—those thrilling pic- ures of baffling, electrical neck-shav- ers, and strange, beautiful magnets for removing bagged-knees from trousers? Wear them next your heart, of course, not because you think that a little more I r added to that of your suit would nelp keep out the mordant wind. But because you hope—madly, passionately that you may somehow succeed in absorbing a tiny bit of their bewilder- ing genius for your very, very own? And added to all this, my friend— mocking your desires as an Edam cheese mocks the sun—you are perhaps king in even the mechanical ability roll your own"; or to wire a new button on the chassis of your B.V.D’s. ez Diawn by E. J. BARcock Your life is embittered by a realiza- tion of your helplessness. A brooding sense of inferiority gnaws away at you like a worn collar. Mayhap the thought of suicide creeps as a stalking, ectoplasmic companion of your febrile days and hectic nights. You decide to end it all. And then—then!—the full horror of your fate bursts upon you. You can't! You realize that for suicide, too, you lack the mechanical ability. It is enough to make strong men weep; and weak men giggle! Let us giggle—and pass on to the cure. For, my friend, the diagnosis is simple. In your youth you never knew Dan Beard. You have missed invent- ive fluency, so to speak, by a close shave. But it is not too late. By following the appended instructions you'll soon get the hang of it. And a =. J. Babcock’ Taking it on high. Drawn by H. J. HOLMGKEN IN LIL’ OL’ NEW YAWK “That man hesitated as though to speak! A friend? “Oh, no! He's occupied the apart- ment across the hall from mine the last couple years. Not acquainted.” remember that true genius always ends in a madhouse. How to Make a Vacuum Cleaner Out of an Old Broom Handle As you have heard, “vanitas, vanita- tum, et omnia vanitas.” I'll admit it seems incredible that anyone who couldn’t speak English could have known enough to give utterance to such penetrating wisdom, but there it stands. And if there it didn’t stand, our proposed operation wouldn’t even be proposed. We've got to be broad enough to give a man credit, even if he is a foreigner. Now, wherein roots vanity? In mir- rors! Vanity without mirrors would be as inconceivable as truffles without pigs. And of all vanities in this towering world of vanities, the most colossal is that of Milady Nature. Naturally, with a lot of long-haired, sedulous artists running around hold- ing mirrors up to her all the time, what else could you expect? And that is our foundation. Now, to work! Remove a broom from its handle, and thrust it into the air. Any air, anywhere; it doesn’t matter. Then hold the mirror up to Nature—as per precedent—till, deep in her vanity, she has become oblivious to all sense of duty. So oblivious that when you jerk the broom away, she'll never even think to see to it that the air is properly shoved back into place. And there’s your vacuum! With the added advantage that, being of iden- tical conformation with the broom, it will look much neater than a common department store vacuum after you've wired it into place on the handle. And, by the way, don’t throw away the (Continued on page 29) comicbooks.com